


Christmas Miracle

by Active_Imagination



Series: Happy Holidays? [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Dark Thoughts, Emotional Trauma, Gen, Other, episode coda, past trauma, very dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-09-20 05:43:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17016825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Active_Imagination/pseuds/Active_Imagination
Summary: After so much loss, McGarrett struggles to cope. Danny drags him to the Williams' household for Christmas.





	1. Hospitals Are A Time Unto Themselves

Steve McGarrett was still cradling Joe White's body when the medevac arrived. His glassy eyes were looking out at the sky, but they were unfocused, unseeing. He put up no resistance as the paramedics tended to his wounds, barely even aware they were there. 

After being patched up in a hospital in Montana, Steve McGarrett was still unresponsive. Junior argued that he needed to come home, so he was transported to Tripler. There was no change to Commander McGarrett's condition during the seven hour flight. 

There were lots of people waiting at Tripler to see McGarrett, but nobody was really prepared to see the shell of the man they once knew. Nobody was able to get any kind of response from him, no recognition. 

Steve McGarrett was pronounced catatonic, most likely triggered by a combination of a physical blow to the head, and psychological trauma. The Doctors prescribed a cocktail of drugs, but nothing seemed to be working.

“He just needs time.” Lou Grover assured Junior Reigns, who was pacing the floor, jaw clenched. “He'll be okay. He's always okay.”

“I should have been there.” Junior's pacing was stopped by Tani pulling him into a hug.

“He asked you not to follow, Junes.” Tani hugged him tighter. “If you had gone, you might not have made it back. And that's not acceptable. He told you to stay here because he knows we need you.” Tani needed him, in a way she wasn't quite ready to admit yet. 

“We need McGarrett. But he still went. And he hasn't come back yet.” Junior was getting angry at the wrong person, he realized. “How could she do this to him?”

“I'll let you ask Greer that when we find her.” Lou promised. “Okay?” It wasn't okay, but it was a mission for them to focus on. Still, it was hard to ignore the fact that their team was missing its leader. Only he wasn't missing. He was right there. Physically, at least. Mentally, he was still reeling from the loss. 

***

“What the Hell were you thinking?” Danny yelled, in a tone that would make a coma patient flinch. McGarrett remained unresponsive. “We've talked about this, Steven. Do you remember? Huh?” Still no reply. “You can't just ditch your team like that. You should have called me. You could have been... and I wouldn't have...” Danny was choking back tears now. “I could have lost you.” Danny whispered, really looking at Steve for the first time since he got to the hospital. 

Just like that, the anger melted, washed away by waves of pain. Danny cried for several minutes, letting the tears fall silently as he traced the outline of the bandage on Steve's head. “I'm so sorry, babe. I'm so sorry you had to lose him too. I'm so sorry you keep losing people, but I am so glad that you survived. Do you hear me?” Danny's tears turned to tears of relief, because Steve was still alive, there was still hope. 

But Steve showed no sign of hearing Danny. 

***

“Just look at you, babe. You're a caveman. I can barely make you out from all that scruff you've been growing in your sleep.” Danny flinched after the last word tumbled out of his mouth. Sleep was not the right word for Steve's catatonic state.

The thing is, Danny was there once to witness the shift between statue and sleep, and it still haunts him. One moment, Steve was as quiet as a mouse, blank eyes drooping. The next, he was ripping away tubes and wires as if they were ropes and restraints, yelling names and trying to command them to safety. Danny watched, helpless, as Steve was sedated, as he fought against sedation. 

Steve was fighting so hard, but he was fighting the wrong battle, a battle he had already lost. 

It was scary how quickly this became the new normal. Five-0 caught a case and everybody went back to work, but Danny stayed with Steve. He couldn't leave him. Too many people had left Steve.

Danny caught a tear before remembering what he was there for, specifically. 

“Anyway, the nurses have given me permission to shave that animal off your face. I know I'm no Odell, but he has court and I don't think we should wait to clean you up. Honestly, you look like Bigfoot, babe. I don't know how you do it. It hasn't been that long.”

His hands were shaking as he grabbed the shaving cream and razor from the bedside table. It was an awkward position, so Danny adjusted the bed until Steve was sitting upright, but he still couldn't make Steve turn to him. So Danny worked with what he had, spreading the foam over Steve's overgrown stubble.

Danny stared at the razor, which could be a lethal weapon in Steve's hands, or to Steve's eyes. It wasn't out of trust that Steve let Danny shave him. Steve didn't even flinch as the blade nicked his skin and blood poured out of the tiny cut.

“Shit, Steve. I'm sorry!” Danny apologized profusely, mopping up the blood with a thin towel that was meant to dry Steve off. It would have been easy for Danny to break down at that point, terrified by Steve's lack of a reaction. The last thing Danny wanted was to cause Steve more pain. Steve's heart monitor showed he felt it, but he wasn't showing it, and neither could Danny. He continued with his task, once the bleeding had stopped. 

“There you go. You look almost human now. Still a Neanderthal, but you look a little less like one now.” Danny forced a smile, his hand still stroking Steve's smooth cheek. He refused to look at the pink water in the basin.

***

“You better be presentable, babe, because I have brought my secret weapon today.” Danny warned Steve, before Charlie came running into the room.

“Uncle Steve, Uncle Steve. I made you a card!” Charlie clambered onto the bed before Danny could stop him, climbing all over Steve to show him the card, before eventually placing it on the bedside table and settling in at Steve's side.

“Yeah, I know.” Danny sighed, because he could still clearly hear Steve's objections, even if he was in no condition to voice them currently. “You hate me for letting him see you like this, but he misses you.” Charlie wasn't the only one who missed Steve.

“You have lots of cards, Uncle Steve. Do you want me to read them to you?” Charlie offered, reaching over the grab the nearest card. “'Dear Steve, it's not the same without you brother.' What does this bit say, Danno?” Charlie squirmed to show Danny the card. Danny rolled his eyes and sighed, before replying rather pointedly, 

“Mele Kalikimaka. It means Merry Christmas in Hawaiian. Not than it's possible to have a real Christmas in Hawaii. I can't believe you've got Lou spouting this stuff too, Steve.”

“Can Uncle Steve come with us for Christmas, Danno?” Charlie whined, wide eyes so innocent and hopeful. Behind him, Steve's eyes were equally as wide, but filled with pain and guilt. Danny thought he could see Steve shaking his head slightly, as if trying to break through. He was tempted to push, but in the end he decided not to.

“I'm sorry, buddy, but I think Steve needs to stay in the hospital over Christmas.”

“Hospitals suck at Christmas.” Charlie sulked, speaking from experience. “You said Uncle Steve deserves a real Christmas. Please, Danno!”

“It's not that simple, buddy.” Danny desperately wished it were. There was nothing in the world he wanted more than the ability to hole up with his family (Steve included) and keep them safe. 

“It is. You don't leave a man behind. If Steve can't come home for Christmas, I want to stay here with him.” Charlie was so determined, it shattered Danny's heart.

“Yeah, okay, you win.” Danny admitted defeat, feeling thoroughly exhausted. “We can't leave him here like this. So we'll stay. Keep him company over the holidays.” Steve's eyes crinkled slightly, and it looked like he was confused.

Danny shook his head, thinking he must be imagining things, seeing things that weren't there. Driven crazy by hope. 

Distracted, Danny didn't notice Charlie leaning over to reach for another get well/Christmas card. He stretched just a little too far, almost falling off the bed and he would have face-splatted the floor if Steve hadn't put out his arm to stop him. 

“Uncle Steve!” Charlie hugged Steve gratefully. All Steve could do was blink, trying to adjust to where he was. His hands twitched, reaching for a weapon no longer had holstered.

“Steve, you're at Tripler. Do... do you remember what happened?” Danny felt guilty for asking, especially as the question made Steve's eyes go dark, his nostrils flare. “Hey, stay with me buddy. You can't change the past, so don't go there. You hear me?”

Steve nodded, but it was obvious his mind was still at least partly in the past. His mind was partly in the present too, clutching onto Charlie like it was his mission to protect him. 

Although, Steve didn't think twice about exposing Charlie to his scars, ripping off the bandage on his abdomen to check the wound. It was red and angry, still almost on the verge of being infected, despite all the meds the hospital was giving him. 

“Careful, you idiot, or you'll pull out your stitches.” Danny yelled in concern, but Steve just stared at him like Danny was the idiot. “Okay, so Junior glued you back together. But that was round one. Doesn't mean the hospital didn't see sense and stitch you up after round two.” Danny spent those first few days watching the bruises fade and the swelling slowly go down. Danny came so close to losing him, and he wasn't there. 

Now, Steve was assessing his wounds, probably the first step before he tried to break out. Charlie just kissed the scars he saw, then snuggled against Steve, much like a cat, preventing Steve from moving and therefore doing anything stupid. 

“Does this mean you can come with us to Grandma's for Christmas, Uncle Steve?” Charlie, so naïve and hopeful. Also, really smart.

“You have to come with us, Steve. Ma keeps telling me I should have brought you home sooner. Not sure she'll let me through the door if I go home without you.” Steve couldn't believe Clara would do that to Danny, but he sincerely believed she might not welcome him home again if he brought Steve in his troublesome condition. “I'm not hearing a no.”

Steve's face was outraged, and Danny had to laugh or he would cry.

“That's not fair, daddy.” Charlie defended Steve. “It's okay, Uncle Steve. You don't have to talk. And you don't have to come home with us if you don't want to. But you shouldn't be alone at Christmas. Either you come home with us, or we go home with you.”

Danny laughed harder at that. The only thing funnier than his son issuing ultimatums, was the expression on Steve's face at being wrapped around Charlie's little finger and him knowing it. What wasn't as funny was Steve's face journey that followed. He clearly didn't want to go back home, memories of his Mom, Dad and Joe. But he was still scared that he would be a burden over with the Williamses. 

“Hey, you're coming home with us. No arguments. Okay, Steve?”

Steve slowly nodded, fighting back tears. He hated feeling so useless and vulnerable. The last thing he wanted was kindness after what he'd just been through. Steve was determined not to fall apart. Danny knew that Steve needed to fall apart, and only then could they work on putting him back together again. If anybody could do it, it was the Williams family. 

“It's going to be an interesting Christmas.”


	2. 2. Switching Time Zones, a Week Before Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a battle just to get Steve onto the plane to New Jersey

“You can't bring your gun onto a plane, Steven.” Danny growled in frustration, too exhausted for this. He envied Charlie, still asleep in the Camaro outside. Steve looked like he hadn't slept for days, but he still failed to properly pack for their flight leaving in 3 hours, at least by Danny's standards. Steve hadn't packed for a vacation, he had packed for war. “Your guns. Plural. Jeez, Steve. Grenades? Really?”

Of course, Steve didn't reply. If anything, he showed confusion. Joe had an arsenal and it wasn't enough to keep them safe, so Steve needed to be even more prepared. Surviving only made him a bigger target, and he could not be the reason Danny's family got hurt. Steve couldn't lose anybody else. 

“Hey, look at me. You're safe, and nobody will come looking for you at my parent's house. You can relax. Do you know how to do that?” After a beat, McGarrett shook his head slightly. The denial wasn't just about the relaxing thing. McGarrett he could never relax enough to believe he was safe. And with good reason. 

Danny tried to decipher the slight shaking of Steve's head, but to no avail. After eight years the man was still a mystery sometimes. Steve McGarrett was a paradox. His training bordered on inhumane, but it kept him alive whilst so many others around him perished. Danny had no doubt that Steve had done some pretty bad things when ordered, not that Steve would admit to them. Steve had this insane complex. No matter how an agency or person used him or hurt him, Steve would still always believe in the best of them. No matter how much trouble it caused him.

Danny's mind was swimming just trying to understand Steve, and his heart was bursting with empathy.

“You have got to learn how to let your guard down, babe, or it will drive you crazy. You can't do this on your own.” Obviously the wrong thing to say, because Steve tightened his grip on his gun. Steve didn't use to be alone. He had a SEAL team. But now he was the only one left from that team. He was still a target, and he wasn't going to let anybody else get hurt in the crossfire. Steve was prepared to be alone, if it meant nobody else got hurt. 

“Steve, please. You'll never get on the plane with that many weapons. Charlie thinks you're gonna be on that plane with us. Ma thinks you're coming home with us. You're not going to put us in danger, but even if you did, it's a risk they'd take because they're family. They want to look after you.”

Steve softened at the mention of Charlie, but he still looked so damned guilty. And so confused. Danny was starting to truly realize that Steve never really had anybody look after him, not even as a kid. Steve was taught to be independent, self-reliant. Steve had never felt safe. Never felt unconditional love. Just tough love that usually hurt him, and he accepted it because he didn't know any better. And Danny couldn't teach him if Steve wouldn't let him. 

“What are you even going to do if there's a bad guy on the plane, huh? You can't shoot, risk putting a hole in the tin can that is keeping us alive that high in the sky. Steve, please. Think it through. Even if there is a danger, you can't save us like that. You've gotta leave the weapons behind. Okay, buddy?” Steve finally nodded, dropping his gun and holster into the duffel bag.

“Thank you, Steven. Now, did you pack anything besides weapons?” Danny asked, as patiently as he could, making Steve roll his eyes, pointing to the backpack on the floor. Danny had no qualms about going through it. 

“Black socks, black boxers, black cargo pants, black t-shirt. Compass. Canteen. MREs. And a knife that I'm fairly sure qualifies as a sword.” Instead of being rebuked, Steve picked up the dagger and holster and attached it to his hip, unsheathing it to show Danny, proudly. “Okay, so, it's a bone sword. Maybe you won't set off the metal detectors but it's gonna get flagged at an x-ray.”

Steve's facial expression turned from one of pride, to one of pleading. He was clutching the dagger as if it was a security blanket. Maybe it was to him. 

“Okay. We'll see if you can get onboard a plane with that sword strapped to your side, but a compass? A canteen? What, do you think we're not going to feed and water you? Buddy, my mom is going to feed you until you burst. You haven't lived until you've tasted ma's cooking.” Still, Steve wouldn't ditch the canteen, or the MREs. Danny tried not to take it personally. 

“Well, you need to pack some warmer clothes, at least. Mind if I check your closet?” Steve made no move to stop him as Danny headed upstairs to the master bedroom. 

***

Danny got distracted by a framed family photo by Steve's bedside. Steve can't be older than five or six, but he's wearing a suit and trying so hard to be a grown up as he holds Mary. John McGarrett towers behind him, a dour look on his face. Beside him, Doris stands, but they're not touching. She's smiling a Stepford smile that doesn't really touch her eyes. 

Next to that, there was a photo of Steve's grandfather, taken of him in his uniform. He looks so young, but it was taken the year of Pearl Harbor, the year he died. 

On the wall, there was a picture of Steve's Aunt Deb, smiling and laughing. 

Inside Steve's bedside drawer, Danny found a weathered photograph of Steve and Freddie. They both look so happy, it makes Danny's heart ache. Right now, it didn't seem like he could ever see Steve happy again.

Steve encountered so much loss, from such an early age, but he kept going. He kept going to honor the dead, living for them and not for himself. It was survival, not living. Steve deserved better than to live with ghosts. 

Looking through Steve's wardrobe was not any better. Danny realized that about a fifth of Steve's clothes belonged to dead men, men Steve knew but could not bear to let go. It was that paradox again: practical and sentimental. It was morbid, but that was Steve's life. 

In the end, the only thing Danny could bear to bring down was a sweater. No name inside to indicate it belonged to anybody other than Steve. Danny didn't know it was the sweater Steve wore when he had to tell Catherine that Billy had died. Steve never told him, so it ended up packed with rest of Steve's military gear. 

“It's okay. I've texted Ma and she'll dig out some warmer clothes for you.” Danny briefly wondered if they'd be Matt's clothes, but unlike Steve, she'd donated all of his stuff to charity. “I'll just buy you a jacket at the airport.” Steve frowned at that, knowing how Danny felt about airport prices. “Just shut up will you? Consider it a Christmas present.”

Steve was still confused, but he slowly nodded, knowing not to pick a fight when Danny was oddly serious about this. Any other time and he'd induce a Danny rant, just to make himself feel better. But this was serious. Everything was serious. Steve was scared. He was more scared of meeting Danny's family than he was stepping into a firefight. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Danny's voice was soft, but it still caused Steve to jump. Steve flinched at Danny's hand on his shoulder, mentally berating himself for zoning out and being so unaware of his surroundings. “You need a Valium, or something? You need to relax.” Danny half-joked, but his tone only conveyed concern. “Wait, where are your meds? Steve, we need to pack your meds.”

Even though Danny had checked Steve's backpack thoroughly, Steve somehow pulled them out of a hidden department. It contained packing peanuts and mostly full pill bottles, the bottles stuffed with cotton wool to muffle any sound. Danny read the labels as Steve looked away.

Dimenhydrinate, Amoxycillin, Lorazepam. Danny recognized the Cyclosporine as the anti-rejection meds, for Steve's liver transplant. The Amoxycillin antibiotics were also familiar, but the fact they were prescribed weeks before Steve got attacked lead Danny to suspect he was taken them for some other reason, the radiation he was exposed to, perhaps. 

The Dimenhydrinate, “Wait, this is Dramamine.” Steve glared at him for that, and Danny looked guilty, silently passing the bottle and trying not to watch Steve dry swallowing one of the pills, then pocket another (just in case) before handing the bottle back to Danny, who repacked it. 

It was awkward.

“What is Lorazepam?” Danny broke the awkward silence with an even more awkward question. Steve's eyes darkened and he snatched the bottle from Danny and packed it away, picking up the backpack in a sign he was ready to go and they should not talk about this. Danny refused to take the hint. “It's got to mean something, or they wouldn't have prescribed it. Steven!” Danny yelled, following Steve out of the house, pausing the set the alarm. 

Charlie was still fast asleep in the back seat of the Camaro, but Steve was nowhere to be seen.

“Steve?” Danny called out, repeatedly, loud enough to wake up Charlie, who grew equally as worried.

“Uncle Steve? Is he gone?”

“He can't have gone far. Will you help me look for him?” Charlie nodded, eager to help. After he unbuckled his seatbelt, and slid out of the car, he ran onto Steve's beach, looking out into the ocean.

“You don't think he's gone swimming, do you?” For a moment, Danny could picture it. He could imagine Steve wandering into the ocean, fully clothed and still wearing the backpack, swimming until he couldn't any more, no longer fighting the ocean as it dragged him under. It couldn't happen. Not again. Danny couldn't go through that again. 

“No. There's no footprints.” Thank goodness Danny was a detective, even though he was a detective with an anxious mind. He found it so easy to come up with negative possibilities, but he needed to focus. He needed to find Steve, and quickly. They had a flight to catch. Steve knew this, so why wasn't he there?

Steve's truck was still there, but the garage door was slightly ajar. 

“Hey buddy. Go wait in the car and we'll be there soon, okay?” Danny asked, and Charlie did as he was told, grateful for the chance to go back to sleep. Danny crept into the garage, his gun drawn. It was a pathetic parody of the day they met. 

“How do you have another gun already?” Danny exclaimed, as Steve lowered his weapon. “You have guns stashed all around the place, haven't you.” It wasn't a question because Danny knew the answer. That level of paranoia and preparedness saved Steve's life, but Danny also thought it was no way to live. “But you have to ditch the gun because we have a plane to catch. Remember?”

By the clear look of shock on Steve's face, it was evident he didn't remember. He also kept glancing at the Marquis, and was obviously planning to work on it. As if fixing his father's car would bring him back from the dead, or bring Joe back from the dead. It was a completely different car at this point, but it was still a host to memories of an earlier lifetime. Still a crappy lifetime. Steve deserved new memories. 

Steve gently placed his gun on a shelf, looking guilty for... Hell, Danny couldn't even imagine all the things Steve felt guilty for.

“Let's go, Super SEAL. Dad wants to meet you.” Steve hesitated, waiting for Danny to change his mind. “Come on, Slowbro. I'm driving.” That got Steve moving, even if he did tilt his head in confusion at the nickname. “It's a pokémon  . It's... you know what? Nevermind. Get in the car. You're more of a Sealeo anyway.”

***

It was surprising easy getting onto the flight, even with a kid who woke up hyperactive and a PTSD ridden SEAL who hadn't slept in weeks. Charlie was running rings around Steve, who was halfway to catatonic again. But sleep wasn't an option, not on the plane, not with his nightmares. 

Surprisingly, Steve was allowed to keep the bone knife, as long as it was sheathed. Steve's reputation preceded him. Danny didn't know if he should be grateful or disappointed. The knife helped Steve keep calm, but if Steve did fall asleep, or had an episode... Danny didn't want to believe Steve could hurt anyone, but Steve wasn't himself right now. 

Once they were seated and in the air, Charlie calmed down. Steve only grew more agitated. His eyes were darting around, constantly looking for threats, unable to relax, even with Charlie sat next to him, holding his hand. 

“Are you okay, Uncle Steve?” Danny almost scoffed at that, biting back a remark about how not okay Steve is, but the question seemed to help Steve. It brought him back to himself, and he looked oddly touched at being asked. It was almost if nobody has ever cared if he's okay before, but Charlie so obviously cares. And even though it was a lie, Steve nodded, squeezing Charlie's hand gratefully. 

Danny kept glancing over at Steve throughout the whole flight, exchanging worried glances with Charlie. It was a long time to stay still, and Steve was fighting exhaustion the whole time, head nodding before jolting up, eyes wide with fear, but red rimmed and dry. 

He was nodding off again when a flight attendant passed. 

“Is there anything I can get you? Neck pillow? Tea? Coffee?” Steve looked to Danny, pleading, and Danny shook his head, but in the end he couldn't deny Steve.

“Yeah, can we please have a coffee? And a juice box.”

“Pineapple!” Charlie perked up.

“Iznay on the ineapple-pay, please.” Danny exaggerated his exasperation, making Charlie giggle, but what Danny was really hoping for was a smile from Steve. Steve was too tired to smile. “He'll have an orange juice. And just a black coffee for Steve. He likes things bitter.” Steve ignored the jab, and nodded slightly, gratefully.

“Are you sure you would like a coffee, Sir?” The flight attendant questioned, staring at the scar on Steve's head, the bags under his eyes, his translucent skin. 

Steve nodded more firmly, mouth working overtime, trying to say “please.” Just one word, but Steve struggled and it hurt to watch him.

“That's what he wants, and it's your job to get it, not question it.” Danny snapped, making the flight attendant flee. Steve sagged, torn between gratitude and guilt. Charlie was staring at Danny, eyes wide at the outburst. “I'm sorry. But it's also rude to stare.” Danny wasn't really sorry. He was just trying to protect Steve. 

Danny had no idea how to protect Steve from the monsters inside his own head, and the coffee was only a temporary stay, at least until he got to the safety of the Williams' home. Danny saw it as a safe place, but he wasn't sure there was such a thing in Steve's mind.


	3. 03. A Few Days Left Until Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve struggles to settle in at the Williams' place.

Steve didn't settle in at the Williams, and as time continued to roll on, he became more and more distraught.

 

“It's because he's not sleeping.” Eddie announced.

 

“He's slept.” Sophie, Bridget's daughter, sounded more concerned than a little kid should. “We all heard him.” 

 

“That wasn't sleeping.” Bridget pulled her daughter close, hugging her tightly.

 

Everybody in the house had heard Steve's nightmares, and it changed they way they all behaved around him. Steve misinterpreted it as pity, and it made him feel even worse. He knew he disturbed them, and the more they bent over backwards to make him feel welcome, the guiltier he felt.

 

If it wasn't for the nightmares, there would almost be no other way to determine Steve was staying there. He never joined them for meals or movies. However, he somehow managed to make sure all their laundry was done, all their dishes cleaned, the trash taken out, that the wood was chopped and ready for the fire.

 

By the third morning, Danny snapped.

 

“What the hell do you think you're doing, Steve? I didn't bring you here to be our Christmas cleaning fairy, I brought you here to be with the family. Do you understand?” Clearly not, because Steve continued to wipe down the tables after a breakfast he didn't even eat. “You didn't make this mess, you don't have to clean it up.”

 

Steve paused to look at Danny, for the first time in what seemed like days. His eyes were haunted and pleading, desperate for any opportunity to make things better, to prove himself useful. He needed to keep busy, but at the same time he didn't want to be a burden to others. Danny saw all of that in Steve's eyes, and it rendered him speechless, at least for a few seconds.

 

“After /we've/ done cleaning up,” Danny stressed that, picking up a cloth. “Please come join us for a family movie. You can pick. Just please, join us.”

 

So Steve did. He tried.

 

Charlie chose _Moana_.

 

“That's not a Christmas movie, silly sausage.”

 

“I know. But Uncle Steve likes Lin-Manuel Miranda.” Charlie said the name so flawlessly, but it meant nothing to Danny.

 

“Really? You like Lin Man Whoseits?” Danny questioned, and Steve just nodded, innocently, before looking at Charlie.

 

“It's Lin-Manuel Miranda, daddy.” Charlie corrected, since Steve couldn't. “He writes musicals and does charity and he's really cool.”

 

“And Steve likes him?” Danny repeated, sulking slightly that Charlie knew something about Steve that he didn't know, and would never have guessed. Danny didn't know why that bugged him so much, but it did. “Huh. Then I guess we're watching 'Moana'.”

 

Steve stayed for all of ten minutes, before running away again, dashing off to go back to his room, to be alone.

 

Eddie knocked on his door, a few minutes later. A few seconds after that, Eddie let himself in. Steve was sat on the floor, his bed clean and made, his bag still packed. He looked up at Eddie, an apology in his eyes. Eddie shook his head, not needing it. He closed the door behind him, and sat on the bed.

 

“I've been trying to figure out why you can't talk, when you so clearly need to.” Eddie sighed, looking at Steve, who couldn't look at him back. “I can't imagine what this must be like for you, how frustrating it must be. But there are other ways of communicating, y'know?” Eddie placed a notepad and pencil by the side of the bed. Steve didn't move. 

 

“You're not the only one, y'know? I've been there too. I've lost friends to it. Our Station Chief, he was in a fire. Real bad. Lost two kids. He'd lost people before, but this one affected him so much. He stopped eating. He was diagnosed with anorexia, which I thought was a chick's disease. You don't hear much about men with eating disorders. But it's actually a control thing. 

 

“We put him in charge of our station house meals. It helped him find some order, feel in control of something, and it helped us know he was eating. So do you see why family meals are important? No more hiding in here, living off energy bars. Okay, son?” It wasn't a question, but an order. Steve was good at accepting orders, so he nodded. “Good man.”

 

There was more Eddie wanted to say, but he hesitated, not sure if Steve was ready to hear it, not sure if he could say it. He never told Clara about his Station Chief. There were a lot of things he never told Clara. He just never spoke about the job, not to her, not to anyone. And after he retired, he still kept quiet. If it wasn't for Danny's intervention, he could have lost her because of that.

 

“Danny made the right decision bringing you here.” Eddie declared, standing up. “If you ever start to doubt yourself, trust Danny. I'll see you at dinner.”

 

Steve didn't show up for dinner, and when Danny went to find him, all he found was a trashcan filled with scrunched up paper, and a note on the bed. Steve's things were gone.

 

The note was folded and addressed to “Eddie”, which Danny ignored, unfolding the single sheet of paper to read what it said.

 

“I know you told me to trust Danny, and I do, but I can't help thinking he made a mistake bringing me here. I don't belong here. I don't deserve to be here. I can't stay here. I'm sorry. Please, don't worry about me. Take care of each other. 

 

Steve.”

 

That's it. That's all it said.

 

Danny paced the room for a good few minutes, reading and rereading the note, again and again. He tried to look for any clues where Steve would go. He still didn't understand how Steve could leave. Again. It was like Japan, all over again, but Danny thought Steve knew better than that now.

 

“DAAADDDDDD!!!” Danny yelled, his voice echoing through the entire house. His mother got there first, followed by his sibling and a bunch of kids. 

 

“What's wrong, dear?” Clara asked, too focused on Danny to notice Steve's things were gone. Danny just shoved the note in her hand, too worked up to speak. He let her read it, silently at first, then to the rest of the family.

 

“Uncle Steve has gone? Where did he go?” Charlie looked like he was on the verge of crying, so Danny pulled him into a hug that was probably a little too tight, but Charlie clung on just as tightly. “He's not supposed to be alone!” Charlie did cry at that, sobbing into his father's shoulder. It made Danny want to cry, but that wouldn't help them find Steve. 

 

“What on Earth is going on in here?” Eddie finally arrived, breaking through the gang that had formed in the doorway, taking in Charlie's tears and the distraught look on Danny's face. Clara passed him the note, and he squinted to read it without his glasses.

 

“You think he's going to do something stupid?” Eddie asked, voice utterly somber. Danny scoffed, hysterically at that, still unable to speak.

 

“Uncle Steve is always doing stupid things.” Charlie sniffled, finally letting go of his father to wipe his nose with the back of his sleeve. He didn't know it could be a euphemism for something else. 

 

“Come on Charlie. Children. Let's go wrap up and play in the garden and then have hot cocoa before bed.” Clara tried to usher the kids out of there, so Eddie and Danny could speak candidly. Sophie shook her head.

 

“We want to help find Uncle Steve. Tell him he belongs here. Why doesn't he believe he belongs here?” Sophie had barely met Steve, but she'd heard so much about him. She knew he was part of the family. It was wrong that he didn't know that. 

 

“I don't know, dear. But we're going to fix it.”

 

“Can we draw pictures?” Charlie suggested. “Can we draw pictures of Uncle Steve and the family? Put them on his bedroom wall? For when he gets back?”

 

“That is an excellent idea, Charlie.” Clara beamed with pride.

 

“We can copy from the comic you brought of him.” The kids collaborated, but the rest of the adults stayed behind. 

 

“How can we help?”

 

“We have to find him!” Danny gasped, the words coming out too rushed, too loud, to choked. “He has to know. It matters. If he does something... he doesn't know. He doesn't know!” Danny was gasping, hyperventilating, on the verge of a panic attack, unable to stop the torrent of tears now. He was so scared Steve would get himself killed, not knowing how much people would miss him. Steve couldn't have any idea, or he wouldn't have left. 

 

Danny's sisters all rushed to hug him, but it was his father who spoke.

 

“We're going to find him, Danny. And you're going to tell him.”

 

“What happens when he doesn't believe me?”

 

“He might not. He might not be able to. That boy has been hurt so much, but we're not going to give up on him. We're not going to let him push us away. That boy has a lot to learn about family.”

 

Danny tried to wipe away tears, but they fell too quickly. There was no way for him to know if Doris knew about Joe's death, but all he knew is she wasn't there for Steve.

 

“Should we call Mary?” Bridget asked. “I've got her number. She'd want to know.”

 

“When we know he's safe. She should join us for Christmas next year.” Eddie decided, which cheered Danny up a little. A proper family Christmas, like Steve deserved. It felt right. And maybe by next year, Steve would be more willing to let himself be accepted unconditionally by the family. Just the idea of Mary and Joannie at family dinner gave him hope. 

 

“We should split up and start looking for Steve. I'm going to the airport, but I don't think he'd head back to Hawaii. I don't know where he'd start looking for Greer.”

 

“We can just drive around. He might be wandering. Lost. We don't know where his head is right now.”

 

“The note tells us where his head is at. He wants to be alone. Maybe he'll come home once he's cleared his head.”

 

“He doesn't see this as home.” Danny interjected. “I'm not even sure he sees Hawaii as home. He spent so many years as a SEAL, without a home. He'll never let himself get comfortable enough for a house to be a home. Back in Hawaii, his house is a mausoleum, not a home. Even with Junior and the dog, they can only do so much. We have to find him.”

 

“And we will, son.” Eddie promised. 

 

 

4 hours later, Danny was still driving around aimlessly, searching the poorly lit streets for anywhere Steve might have gone.

 

He was getting a call from home, so he hit the answer button on his hands-free phone.

 

“Hey sweetheart.” Clara greeted him, sounding exhausted. “There's a little man here who won't---”

 

“Have you found Uncle Steve yet?” Charlie yelled, with the exuberance of a child who was up way past their bed time. 

 

“I'm sorry, buddy. But I'm going to keep looking, and maybe he'll be home by the time you wake up.” It wasn't quite a promise.

 

“Do you think he went swimming?” Charlie asked, fighting a yawn.

 

“Do you think you could go to bed already?” Danny replied, no malice in his voice.

 

“I want Uncle Steve to tuck me in. Play race cars with me. I'm not tired without him.” Charlie was beyond tired, but he could be stubborn when it mattered. 

 

“You've got to sleep, buddy.”

 

“Uncle Steve doesn't sleep.”

 

“And that's naughty of him, but he's scared to sleep. You don't have a reason to be scared.”

 

“I'm scared Uncle Steve won't come back.” 

 

Well, what could Danny say to that? Thankfully, he didn't have to, as Clara took the phone.

 

“Don't stay up too late, sweetie. I know you want to find him, but it isn't safe for you to drive if you're tired.”

 

“Has everybody else come home?”

 

“Yeah. You're the last one out.”

 

“Then I've got to keep looking.” Clara was about to say something, but Danny preemptively cut her off. “I promise, ma. I've just got one more place to look and then I'll call it a night. Morning. Whichever. Love you.”

 

“Be careful, dear. And please bring him home.” Danny hung up, turning to drive towards the Hudson.

 

***

 

Sure enough, Danny eventually found Steve, standing on the George Washington Bridge, staring down at the Hudson. Danny was surprised Steve hadn't acquired a crowd.

 

“Don't jump!” Danny teased, but when Steve didn't acknowledge him, Danny turned serious. “Please, don't jump.”

 

Steve was looking at the fence like he was considering it. The fence was an effective tool against suicide, but most people didn't have Steve's training.

 

“What are you doing out here, Steve? Please, come back home.”

 

Finally, Steve turned to look at Danny, confusion contorting his face. Then he went back to staring at the water.

 

“Steve!” Danny yelled louder, panic starting to creep back in, and Steve just didn't understand why. “I wish I knew what you were thinking.” If Steve was thinking. He seemed a little empty behind the eyes. Those ever-changing eyes were now dark and cold. “You can't stay here. There'll be patrols. People to talk you down. Do you need talking down, Steve?”

 

Steve looked down, but he didn't shake his head, or nod.

 

“Are you even in there?” There's a slight shake of Steve's head at that. “I wish I knew where your head was at.” Steve shook his head emphatically. He wouldn't wish this upon his worst enemy. That was part of the reason he was here.

 

“The sun will be up in a couple of hours. Maybe it'll be warmer then.” Danny chattered, standing beside Steve. “It's freezing out here, and you're not even shivering. You're not okay, Steve.” Steve saw Danny trembling, and tried to tell him he didn't have to stay. Such an expressive face, it never failed to amuse Danny, even now. 

 

“Come on, Steve. You should know I can't go back home without you. Everybody's been out looking for you. Charlie didn't want to go to sleep until he knew you were safe.” Steve turned to Danny at that, head tilted in confusion. He looked like a kicked puppy. “I know he'd really like it if you were there when he woke up.” Steve was faltering. Charlie meant the world to him. He just couldn't comprehend that he mattered to Charlie too. 

 

“Danno's not kidding.” … Danno froze at the voice, completely unexpected. “Charlie doesn't even care about Santa. He just wants Uncle Steve to come home.”

 

“Grace!” Danny ran to hug his daughter, but Steve held back, almost like he wasn't sure he was allowed, or he was waiting for permission. “What are you doing here? I thought you were staying with your mother.”

 

“Well, it's a funny story. There was this guy in a Hawaiian shirt, following us. Steve sent him to make sure we were safe, but I think Thomas wanted us to see him. He told us what happened. About Steve's team. I'm really sorry Uncle Steve.” Steve flinched at that. He could handle a punch, but he couldn't handle sympathy, so Grace turned back to Danny. “After mom heard that, she practically ordered me here to give Uncle Steve a hug and make him a cup of tea.”

 

“Tea? Seriously?” Danny dismissed, but Steve actually looked up at the word. He looked brighter too.

 

“Seriously.” Grace nodded, pulling a box of Yorkshire Tea out of her purse. Steve smiled softly at the sight, but he still looked desperately in need of a hug, so Grace pulled him into one. Steve caved, melting into the hug, burying shaky breaths into the crook of her neck. “Oh, Uncle Steve.” She stroked his hair and kept hugging him until he was ready to let go. A four minute hug. Danny had timed it.

 

***

 

The drive back was silent, Steve and Grace in the back seat as Danny drove. Somehow, Steve managed to be half asleep and car sick on an empty stomach. Despite how exhausted and ill he felt, he still kept smiling whenever he turned to see Grace. It was like he couldn't believe he was lucky enough to have her there with him. Grace smiled right back.

 

***

 

“How did you know where to find him?” Danny asked Grace as she was boiling the kettle. Steve was in the next room, slumped on the couch, currently scrawling down his thoughts, without provocation. 

 

“The notes in the trashcan.” Grace admitted. “First rule of being a detective, always check the trash.”

 

“He mentioned the Hudson?”

 

“Not specifically.” Grace tried to calm her father down, but she also felt guilty for reading Steve's personal thoughts, and knew Danny would worry more if she shared them. “It's just the water. It's... he's got a thing about it now. But that wasn't what worries me. What I read, I understand where he's coming from. But he didn't. Steve... even with what he wrote, he kept dismissing himself, calling it stupid, calling his thoughts and feelings stupid. After that, I had to find him and give him a hug.”

 

“And make him a cup of tea.” Danny mocked slightly, as the kettle began to whistle. Grace poured the water into two mugs, letting a teabag steep in each cup. 

 

“Want one?” Grace offered, sassing her father for mocking her. It was just tea.

 

“I want a beer.”

 

“For breakfast?”

 

“I haven't been to bed yet!” Danny opened the fridge, eyeing the beers, but instead, he brought out the milk instead.

 

“Uncle Steve prefers it with lemon.”

 

“Uncle Steve needs to sleep, and he doesn't need to burn his tongue.”

 

“You need to sleep too. You're getting cranky.” Still, Grace followed her father's suggestion and added lots of milk (but no sugar) to Steve's tea. Grace only added a splash of milk and a heap of sugar for her own tea, sipping her own as she took Steve's to him. Danny followed. 

 

Steve was still scribbling down hasty words, so Grace put the tea down next to him. He paused, briefly, only stopping to smile at her, making sure he knew how grateful he was. Grace knew, so she kissed him on the cheek.

 

“You're welcome, Uncle Steve. What are you writing?” Steve hesitated before giving Danny the sheet he'd filled. Steve's thoughts, explanations, written down for Danny to see. “I'll go get you that beer.” Grace sympathized at the shocked look on her father's face. 

 

Danny stared blankly at the words, words written for him. Danny couldn't focus until the bottle was pressed into his hand. Danny drank as he read, Steve still writing beside him.

 

“ _Danno,_

 

_I wasn't going to jump. I wasn't there to jump. I don't really know why I was there. But even if I did jump, I know it wouldn't have killed me. I have made hundreds of jumps like that, from higher up. It's kind of what I'm trained to do._

 

_It's what we were all trained to do, so I can't figure out why I'm the only one who made it out alive. Why I'm always the one to survive. What would it take for me to not._

 

_I should never have believed Joe when he said he was fine. He was wearing a vest. I survived worse, but I know I have you to thank for that. I'm sorry I was such a jerk. When you gave me part of your liver. I was just so ready to die. I never expected to wake up._

 

_You told me once that you were living on borrowed time. Me too. Only, it feels like I'm borrowing time from everyone else. And my clock was broken from the start._

 

_I know it's dumb. I don't know how else to explain it.”_

 

“It's not dumb, Steve.” Danny tried to tell him, but Steve was looking away, seeming incapable of hearing it. He'd finished writing, but there was still a page of scribbles in his hand. “There's more, isn't there?” Steve looked so scared. Danny couldn't recall ever seeing Steve so scared. “It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. You don't have to do anything you want to, as long as you stay.”

 

Steve shoved the paper into Danny's hand, swapping it for the empty beer bottle, disappearing to put it in the trash. Danny was going to object, but he realized Steve wasn't running away. He just wasn't ready to be there for Danny's reaction. Danny forced himself to read on.

 

“ _I keep thinking, was I in the water when the rest of my team was hit? I was in the water when Joe called. If I got the warning in time, maybe I could have defended myself better. I could have subdued the attacker. Got information from him. If I hadn't gone for a swim that morning, maybe I could have Cole and Joe White would have been alive._

 

_I know it doesn't make sense, but every time I think about the water, I just think of Joe, how I failed him. What use is a SEAL who can't go in the water?”_

 

Danny took a second to process what he just read. He was overwhelmed by a flood of emotion, pity and anger. And exhaustion was making it harder for Danny to keep them at bay. Before he was even aware, he had stood up and ran over to Steve in the kitchen.

 

“You're crazy, you know that right?” Steve flinched at Danny's words, and Danny tripped over them to fix it. “I don't mean for being scared of the water. It doesn't matter if you've got a thing about water. You know I'm claustrophobic, but that doesn't make me useless. 

 

“You're crazy for thinking you failed Joe White. You're crazy for thinking... you really think you're useless?” Danny asked, shocked, but Steve replied with a sincere nod. “Well, you're not. And even if you were, you don't need to be useful to be family. You don't have to be useful all the time, Steve! Come here, you big lug.” Danny pulled him into a hug, and he could feel Steve breathe a sigh of relief.

 

Danny could have stayed hugging Steve like that forever, but he was exhausted and on the verge of falling asleep. So instead, he tugged Steve towards the sofa. Steve looked puzzled, but he let himself be led.

 

“We are taking a nap.” Danny declared, but panic filled Steve's eyes. “I am exhausted but I am not letting you out of my sight again. You don't have to sleep if you don't want to, but you really should try.” Steve nodded, slowly sitting down. Danny curled up on the sofa, using Steve's thigh as a pillow. Even through Steve's jeans, he could feel his pulse. It was comforting but a little worrying; it was racing, but at least it was there. 

 

“TV?” Danny yawned, and although he didn't need it to sleep any more, he wanted it to help distract Steve from his own thoughts. It worked, because within a few minutes, both men were sound asleep, even as the rest of the household were starting to wake up. 

 


	4. Just a Couple of Days Until Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day in the Williams' household (where Danny won't let Steve leave, even to go Christmas shopping)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was /supposed/ to be a short and fluffy chapter.

Danny woke as his pillow moved and bucked. Steve whimpered in pain, in the throes of yet another nightmare, trying to run in his sleep, but Danny clutched on tightly. He wasn't quite ready to wake up to reality, so Danny tried to keep his eyes closed.

 

“Danno!” Charlie's voice made that an impossibility, and when Danny finally opened his eyes, he was confused to find himself on the couch, a Hallmark Christmas movie on the TV, most of the family gathered around.

 

Steve was still lost in his own nightmare, somewhere fraught with danger and with death. His breathing was labored, as if he was running for his life. He sounded in so much pain.

 

“I know.” Danny sighed in understanding, reluctantly sitting up. Everybody in the room was trying not to fuss, but they all kept glancing in concern at Steve. It sucked feeling helpless. “But he's safe here, and that's what counts.”

 

“Shouldn't we try to wake him up?” Charlie asked, inching closer to Steve, hand reaching up to stroke Steve's sweaty hair.”

 

“You're supposed to let people wake up themselves, especially from bad dreams. The fear is supposed to wake people up.” But Steve didn't wake up. He kept tossing and turning, sweating and screaming, but he kept dreaming.

 

After a few minutes, Danny decided to get up. He showered and dressed, tried to make himself breakfast, but all he could manage was a cup of coffee. When he checked on Steve again, Steve was still dreaming, cheeks wet with tears and sweat, still trying to run, trying to fight. Charlie hadn't left Steve's side the entire time Danny was gone.

 

“Uncle Steve!” Charlie screamed as Steve hissed in pain, blood staining his sweat-soaked t-shirt. “Please, you have to wake up!” Charlie cried at the sight of all that blood, and it was Charlie's voice that broke through Steve's nightmare and finally woke him up.

 

Steve had no idea where he was, he just saw a frightened Charlie Williams and rushed to comfort him, the words stuck in his throat and hurting him more than the popped stitches on his abdomen and arm. And leg. It was getting quite messy.

 

“Hey, Steve.” Danny knelt in front of Steve, hand on Steve's chin to make sure Steve was looking at him. “You're safe. I brought you home for Christmas.” Steve still looked so confused, so broken by his dream, that it took him a few seconds to recognize Danny, but Danny could tell the instant he did by the way Steve relaxed. ”Although you look like you're about to bleed out on my couch, so will you please let me call a Doctor already?”

 

Steve shook his head, standing up. He was a little shaky on his feet, and the fact he didn't have any shoes on wasn't enough to convince Danny he wasn't going to try to run. “Steve?”

 

“Steven, dear?” Clara's maternal voice clashed with Steve's mind, adding to his confusion, but it caught his attention. “There's a first aid kit and a change of clothes for you in the master bathroom.” Steve smiled at the thoughtfulness, the tips of his right fingers pressed against his chin, palm flat. He moved his hand towards Clara, signing the word for 'thankyou.' “You're very welcome, darling.”

 

Steve disappeared, and it took all of Danny's efforts not to follow him.

 

“You're really going to let him patch himself up, ma?” Danny asked, concerned.

 

“It's what he's used to, isn't it?” Clara watched her son's heart break a little at that. “Oh, sweetheart. I know you want to help him, but he's not well enough to accept it right now. You'll get him there, I know you will. It just takes time.”

 

“We're both on borrowed time.” Danny replied, tears in his eyes. He knew he was being frightened and fatalistic, but he usually relied on Steve to assure him and bring him out of it. Steve was in no position to do that, and his current behavior was validating every fear he ever had.

 

“Danno?!” Thankfully, Charlie was there to distract him. “Did Steve get to see the pictures we made for him?”

 

Danno didn't get to reply, because a shirtless and sticky Steve came back to lift Charlie off his feet in a gigantic hug, a huge smile plastered over both their faces, even though Steve was still bleeding.

 

“What are you doing, you animal? Put my son down!” Steve did as he was told, only so he could show Danny the pictures he'd found left in his room. Childish drawings of Hawaii and Steve's house by the beach, of Steve swimming, Steve and Danny in the car, Danny and Steve putting bad guys behind cartoon bars. And, Steve's favorite, Charlie placing a band aid on all of Steve's wounds. X and Os everywhere. Hugs and Kisses. As if that would make everything better. It seemed to make Steve understand, and that was a start.

 

“You're an idiot, you know.” Danny continued to rant. “I have been telling you this for years. I never realized I should have literally drawn you a picture. Come here, you idiot. Where's my hug? You're still bleeding, you dummy. Come here!” Steve didn't move, but he did put Charlie down, and seem to have a non-verbal conversation with him, mostly along the lines of 'Is Danno serious?' “I'm always serious about hugs. Come here!”

 

So, Charlie, Danny and Steve all shared a hug, the rest of the Williams family watching with differing levels of bemusement.

 

“Now, go get cleaned up, you animal. You reek.” Danny couldn't stop smiling though, his smile only fading slightly when Steve disappeared as quickly as he reappeared, taking the drawings with him. “I think he got your pictures.” Danny told Charlie, as Charlie giggled with childish excitement.

 

“I think he liked them.”

 

“I think so.”

 

***

 

Half an hour later, and Danny was pacing outside his parents' bathroom. Danny was pretty sure Steve taking a shower that was longer than 3 minutes was a sign of the apocalypse. The shower had actually turned off 15 minutes ago. Steve was probably patching up his wounds and getting dressed. Still, Danny paced anxiously.

 

Steve bumped into him as soon as he opened the door, eyes widening in surprise, but still not making a sound.

 

“Jeez, what took you so... you shaved?” Danny's eyes finally settled on Steve's smooth chin, having traversed the rest of his body. The jeans he were wearing were a little short and looked like they were painted on, you could see the bulge of a bandage on his thigh.

 

Steve was wearing a long sleeve black t-shirt, and a wool sweater that was such a magnificent shade of blue it made his eyes sparkle with the color.

 

His hair was finally starting to grow out again, which Danny was forever grateful for because it meant he didn't have to notice the scars. Instead, he could revel in the black and silver that oddly gave him hope that Steve could grow old with him.

 

But most importantly, there wasn't the usual stubble that graced Steve's stupid superhero jawline. Steve clearly didn't see the big deal. “What are you? Captain America, shaving off your beard when you should probably have it most.” Steve smiled, shaking his head in amusement at Danny's rant.

 

“Yeah, I shaved you. Back in Hawaii! You're in New Jersey now. And more importantly, you're on vacation. Do you know what that word means, Steven? Vacation. R and R. Rest and Relaxation. You don't have to be Captain America now, babe.”

 

The amused smile faded from Steve's lips as he pulled out a pencil and sheet of paper from his pocket and started writing.

 

'I'm not Steve Rogers. I'm not Nomad. I'm just me.' Steve looked ashamed, like that wasn't good enough.

 

“Hey. I like you. My family loves you. They'd choose Steve McGarrett over Steve Rogers any day of the week.” Steve still looked guilty, quickly writing something down and showing Danny.

 

'I don't have any Christmas presents for your family. Can we go shopping?' Steve looked at Danny, nervous and hopeful, but Danny shook his head.

 

“Are you crazy? It's going to be chaos out there. I'm not letting you put yourself through that. We don't need any presents. Honestly, Steve. We're just glad you're here.” Steve shook his head, unable to believe that. He took out his bone knife, looking at it thoughtfully, before placing it in Danny's hand and walking off. “Steve?” The ninja somehow vanished in the corridor whilst Danny was too bewildered by the knife in his hand.

 

Danny found Steve in the garage, going through the tools. He looked like a man on a mission, and it was kind of scary, especially for someone as prone to panic as Danny.

 

“Steve?”

 

Steve had no idea why Danny followed him, but that didn't stop him from finding the tools he needed, a clamp and a saw, sandpaper and a log of pine wood.

 

Danny watched as Steve turned that fire wood into a toy car, with carved out windows, and wheels that turned a little unevenly, so Steve kept sanding them until they were a smooth circle. Steve still looked unsatisfied, and was eyeing up another log when Danny stopped him.

 

“Are you kidding me? What, are you going to make a toy for every kid here? Who do you think you are? Santa?” Danny had a feeling that Steve would make a toy for every Williams child, if only Danny let him. “You don't have to be anybody but their Uncle Steve. Do you get that?”

 

Clearly not, because Steve was looking through paint cans, searching for the perfect color for Charlie's car.

 

“Hey, look at me.” Danny ordered, an order which Steve was slow to follow, but eventually he he did. Danny had to catch his breath at the amount of pain in those bright blue eyes. “Maybe you and Charlie can pick a color and paint it together after Christmas. Does that sound good? Right now I want you to spend time with the family, okay?”

 

Steve looked guilty again, like he was stopping Danny from spending time with his family, like Steve was a burden. Steve was so damn fragile. But he was finally in a place where he was allowed to be.

 

“Will you quit that, with the puppy eyes already? You're here because we all want you to be. You have no idea how glad I am you're still... still here.” Danny's voice caught in his throat as he choked back tears that came anyway. Steve watched, bewildered for a few seconds, unable to accept the tears were for him.

 

But what he could see that Danny was hurting and struggling, so Steve pulled him into a hug, letting go slightly after hearing Danny wince. Steve didn't know Danny was hissing because he felt Steve's bandage even though the thick sweater. Danny didn't want to hurt Steve further, but he pulled Steve close, just reveling in the fact that Steve was still alive and here with him.

 

Steve just held Danny closer as Danny continued to cry. One hand rubbing, soothingly along Danny's back, the other on the base of Danny's neck, stroking the smooth skin. Danny hadn't expected to break down like this, but he wasn't going to hold back. Steve needed to know how much he cared, and he needed to learn it was okay to cry.

 

Danny did feel better after a good cry, but he had to scoff at the irony. “How come you're so good at comforting people, when you have no idea how to be comforted yourself?” It was an important question, and didn't deserve to be mumbled into Steve's very comfortable sweater, so Danny reluctantly put a few inches between himself and Steve, still holding onto him at the waist, looking up to articulate, “How come you're so good at comforting people, when you have no clue how to be comforted yourself?”

 

Even if Steve could talk, he had no answer for that. He didn't feel very good at comforting people, but the urge was there and that had to count for something, right? All he ever wanted was to help people or do them proud. He was never allowed to want anything beyond that.

 

“You have got to stop making me think I've lost you, okay?” Danny pleaded, resting his head against Steve's chest. “You think I dragged you here for your sake? No, my friend. I dragged you here because Charlie and I both didn't want to let you out of our sight. This, this right here is making me feel better. I just wish I knew how to make you feel better, buddy.”

 

That's when Steve ended the hug, and Danny felt his heart sink. Especially as Steve walked away from him.

 

Danny finally felt able to breathe when he found Steve in the kitchen, helping his ma cook dinner. Charlie was also in the kitchen, drinking a glass of milk and sneaking cookies.

 

“Hey Charlie. Will you please tell Steve to quit running out on me? Need to put a damn bell on that SEAL. Or a GPS tracker.”

 

“Language, Daniel!” Clara scolded, but Steve just held up his wrist, indicating his watch already had GPS. Of course it did. Why hadn't Danny realized that sooner?

 

“Steve, Danno says...” Charlie began reciting what Danny told him to tell Steve, but then he dashed over to Steve, hugging him with such a force that Steve had to gently put down the knife he was using to peel spuds. “You gotta stop running away. You go away and we never know if you're coming back. You always run, but you have to run back home, okay? Home is here, okay? It's with me and Danno, if you didn't know.” Steve didn't know, so that's why Charlie told him. “If you need to run, you always run back home. Promise?”

 

Steve stood still, shocked at the concern, even though Danny was showing him that same concern just a few minutes ago. Steve couldn't promise, but he leaned down to kiss Charlie's hair, trying to comfort him. It wasn't quite a promise, but it was a comfort. To both of them. A reason for Steve to keep fighting to come back.

 

“What are you doing letting Steve help you out, ma? You know he's supposed to be resting.” Steve's frown made it clear that Danny shouldn't speak for Steve. Steve had no idea how to rest. He didn't want to. He wanted to make himself useful.

 

“It's okay, Danno. Steve's agreed to help me cook dinner and I get to tell him embarrassing stories about you from your childhood.” Steve smirked at that, and Danny couldn't even find it in himself to be mad.

 

***

 

“You never had cupcake batter before?” Danny had been watching the whole time as Clara and Steve baked, and Clara relived old memories. He'd been watching, silently, for over an hour, right until the moment Steve stared in confusion at being offered the dregs of the cupcake batter bowl, and the spoon.

 

“It's the rules.” Clara sounded confused at Steve's confusion. “You helped, so you get to lick the spoon.”

 

“I keep telling you, ma. They built him in the SEALs. He doesn't know the rules of childhood. But I know he's baked cupcakes before, for Grace. He just has the inhuman willpower to wash up the batter and wait for the finished product.” Danny waited for Steve to object, but he didn't. Instead, Steve offered Danny the spoon. “I didn't help.”

 

“Just try it, will ya?” Clara urged him. “If you don't like it, you don't have to lick out the bowl. And if you do like it, you don't need to eat all of it. Just try it.”

 

Even after being given permission, Steve was still hesitant. He'd been living off MREs for days. They were functional. Practical. This was frivolous. This was fun. And Steve didn't want to know what he was missing.

 

“Oh, for goodness...” Danny took the bowl out of Steve's hand, scooped up the batter, and then flung it at Steve's face. “I bet you ain't ever had a food fight, either.”

 

“No, and you boys aren't going to start now.” Clara told them. Steve shook his head, horrified at the thought, even as he was licking the batter off his lips. Danny just smirked, especially as Steve started to gather up the batter to taste more.

 

***

 

Family dinner was a chaotic affair, and Steve was on edge for it, but at least he was present. His eyes kept darting around the room, looking for signs of danger, expecting to be attacked at any second. It was a loud free for all, with everybody talking and grabbing whatever food they fancied. Steve kept looking for a pattern, for some order.

 

Eddie was piling his plate with red fatty meat and mash potatoes that were more butter than potato. Steve looked appalled.

 

“Are you okay there, son?”

 

Steve shook his head, standing up and weaving through the crowd to fix a plate of vegetables and steamed spiced chicken, that he'd cooked himself. He silently urged Eddie to eat that instead, worried about his heart.

 

“Y'know, our son told us you were a benevolent dictator, but we all thought he was exaggerating.”

 

Steve's face fell, and he placed the plate down before putting his right fist to his chest, moving it clockwise. Even Eddie, who didn't understand sign, knew what it meant by the expression on Steve's face.

 

“Hey, no need to be sorry, son. It's nice to know you care, although my heart is as strong as an ox now.” Steve looked defeated, but still concerned. Eddie felt guilty, in a way his own family hadn't been able to make him feel. “I tell you what. I'll eat your rabbit food if you switch plates with me. You can add some vegetables if you like, but look at you. You're all skin, bones and scar tissue.” The entire Williams family then proceeded to agree with Eddie, urging Steve to eat a 'real' meal, cheering when he did switch plates with Eddie, (after adding some glazed carrots)

 

“And you can't wolf it down, you animal. You gotta savor Ma's cooking.” Danny instructed, seeing Steve was on the verge of shoveling it all in his mouth, food never even touching the sides on the way down.

 

“It's a hard habit to break, isn't it?” Eddie empathized, to Danny's surprise. “But you're not on call now. You don't have anywhere to be but here.”

 

“Glad you're here, Uncle Steve.” Charlie chimed in, and Steve smiled in response, still a little unsure, but he settled down to eat, letting the family conversation wash over him. He watched Charlie, who was doing his best to slow down eating although he was eager to go play afterwards. Steve never had that. Even when Charlie's age, Steve ate as quickly as possible so he could get on with learning, with practice, with housework.

 

Steve's heart did flutter at the taste of the buttery mashed potatoes, eyes closing and moaning at the delicious flavor. Paired with the meat, it was unhealthy but it actually made him feel a bit happier. Especially the warm looks the Williams family were giving him, as if they were proud of him, and they were grateful he was there. He hadn't felt such a sense of belonging in a long time.

 

Steve cleaned his plate, volunteering to wash up the others, but he was swaying on his feet, fighting exhaustion once again. Who knew eating could be so tiring? Charlie tugged on his sleeve.

 

“Do you want me to read you a goodnight story, Uncle Steve?” Steve blinked as the adults stifled their laughter.

 

“You do look like you need a nap, dear.” Clara observed, “Why don't you let him tuck you in?” Steve had a list of reasons Charlie shouldn't be the one tucking him into bed. Steve didn't want to sleep. Charlie was the kid. Steve never had anybody tucking him in, and he wasn't ready to start now.

 

Looking at Charlie's face through drooping eyelids, Steve just nodded and let himself be led to bed.

 

Danny smiled at the sight, falsely believing that things were getting better.

 


	5. Shock on Christmas Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve goes missing, bodies are found, words are exchanged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the late update. I've had one helluva cold, and the characters have not been doing what I asked. I appreciate anybody who has stuck with this, even though Christmas is over.

Danny woke up early on Christmas Eve, his stomach feeling like he had swallowed stones. That feeling got worse when he checked on Steve. All of Steve's things were there, but Steve wasn't. Even more worryingly, Steve's watch was still on the dressing table.

 

Steve never took off that watch; not to sleep, not to swim. Seeing it without its owner was just wrong, and it made Danny's heart race. The only reason Steve would ditch the watch was if he consciously didn't want to be tracked, didn't want to be found, didn't want to be saved. And that idea froze Danny with fear.

 

When Danny could move, he started to trash the room, looking for any clues where Steve could have gone. Instead, he found Steve's clothes, Steve's medicine, even Steve's bone knife. He had left everything behind. He'd left Danny behind.

 

Danny's frustrated scream was loud enough to disturb the entire house, although only a few people decided to get up because of it.

 

“Danno?” Charlie was the first up, alarmingly alert. Steve's influence, Danny was sure. Everything was always Steve's fault. “Where's Uncle Steve? His stuff is here, so he's coming back, right?”

 

“Dad, are you okay?” Grace was a little more sleepy, but no less concerned. “Dad, just breathe, okay? You're gonna give yourself a panic attack. Slow down. Please?”

 

Danny was still gulping down air, dizzy with it. He felt helpless, unable to control his own breathing. His thoughts were racing, reaching out for Steve but Steve was nowhere to be found. He wasn't okay, and wouldn't be until he knew Steve was.

 

“He left his watch.” Danny choked out between labored breaths, spiraling into a panic attack. Danny was aware, but he couldn't relax. He tried to think of his happy place, but that just led to more panic as he realized... his happy place was on Steve's lanai, with Steve in the deck chair next to him. “He left his watch.”

 

“That doesn't mean we can't find him anyway.” Grace assured her worried father, trying to get him to calm down. “You're a detective. Work this like a case. You've tossed the room, but there's nothing in this room. Not even a working phone.”

 

“But we have a computer. You think he could have used that?”

 

“There's only one way to find out.”

 

* * *

 

 

The trouble with a family computer was that there was bound to be a family member using it, even at the early hour.

 

“Sophie.” Charlie greeted her with a hug, whilst Danny paced, fighting the urge to throw her off the computer. “Was Uncle Steve using the computer before you?” Sophie shook her head, her eyes wide and focused on Danny. Danny looked like he was about to keel over. 

 

“How long have you been on the computer?” Grace continued to question Sophie, since her father wasn't in a fit state to do so.

 

“Not long. Steve could totally have been on before me. Do you want me to pull up the web history?”

 

“NO!” Danny screamed, scared what it would bring up, not wanting to expose a child to Steve's state of mind. “Yes. I mean... I don't know... what... I don't even know if he was on here.” Sophie looked to Grace, then back at the computer, then stood up. 

 

“I'm going back to bed. Hope you find Steve. Get your dad to take a chill pill. Night.”

 

“Goodnight.” Charlie waved as Sophie left, even though the sun was starting to come up. Grace took her place on the computer, pulling up the web browser. It showed the sites Sophie had been on, but before that, there was nothing. 

 

“I'm sorry, dad. It looks like he wiped it. Or someone did. We don't even know it was him. Please don't panic. This is Uncle Steve.” She meant to say he'd be okay, but the words caught in her throat. She felt something was wrong too. It was an even worse feeling than when she found him on the Washington Bridge. 

 

“Stupid Steve.” Danny grumbled.

 

“Uncle Steve isn't stupid.” Charlie defended him, whilst squeezing his father's hand to comfort him. 

 

“He is, because he keeps pushing us away when he should be pulling us closer. I can't lose him, Charlie. Why doesn't Steve see that?”

 

“Because he's sick. Not stupid.”

 

“You might be right about that, Charlie. Steve tried to cover his tracks but he didn't take out the trash. There's a map in the recycle bin. Back alley kind of surgeon. Dad!” Grace implored her father to do something, to save Steve.

 

“Er... when did he download the map? How big a head start does he have?” Danny didn't want to believe he was too late. No. He'd know if something bad had happened to Steve. What he feared was arriving just too late to stop Steve.

 

“Dad.” Danny didn't like the urgency of Grace's tone. “It was downloaded just over an hour ago. And traffic is gonna start to get bad. Dad, he could be there by now. You know how fast he runs. And it'll take too long to drive there. Danno!” Grace was working herself up now, and it was making Charlie panic.

 

“Danno!” Charlie wasn't sure what was going on, but he picked up on the fear.

 

“It's okay.” Danny lied. “Grace, make Charlie some breakfast, will you? I'm gonna go to that address.” Danny copied down the address quickly, praying he could get there in time to stop Steve from doing whatever he had planned.

 

* * *

 

Danny knew he had the right address by the police cars parked outside. A busy investigation on a chilly Christmas Eve morn.

 

“Er... I'm Detective Danny Williams.” Danny flashed his Five-0 badge, which had no authority is New Jersey, but Danny acted like it did. “What's going on here?”

 

“We got the guy. We're just uncovering all the bodies. Why? Want to lend a hand?” The officer smirked, as if it were entertainment. 

 

“Bodies?”

 

“Seven and counting. Medical mistakes, or so the Doc says. I just think he killed because he could. Because he knew nobody would miss the people who came to him.” Danny had more questions to ask, but he couldn't say a word. That was until he spotted Steve, lurking in a shadow. 

 

Steve turned to run, but Danny caught him, tackling him to the ground, punching him so hard it hurt his knuckles.

 

“What the Hell, Steven?” Danny stood, helping Steve up, but mostly so he didn't have to let go of him. “What the Hell is going on in that Neanderthal brain of yours?! Talk to me, Steve. How did you end up here? What the Hell is wrong with you?” Steve brushed off Danny's grip, pushing him away. His cheek was already beginning to bruise. 

 

Steve just looked at Danny, so much going on behind his eyes. Defiance, confusion, and so much pain.

 

“Steve, I'm sorry. I...” But Steve just shook his head, running away again. Danny tried to follow, but Steve was too quick. “Fuck!”

 

* * *

 

Thankfully, what Charlie said to Steve the other day was still fresh in his mind. He ran back home, the Williams' house. He arrived sweaty and out of breath, slamming the door and going straight to his room. He didn't start to pack, or do anything other than sit cross-legged on the bed, rocking slightly.

 

“Uncle Steve?” Charlie didn't bother knocking first, he just walked straight in. “It is you!” Charlie grinned, but gasped when he caught sight of Steve's cheek. “You're hurt!” Steve silently tried to assure Charlie he was fine, but Charlie was too smart to believe that. Instead, he placed a gentle kiss on Steve's cheek. “I'll get you some ice.”

 

Charlie didn't return with ice, but Eddie did.

 

“Did my son give you that bruise?” Eddie commanded, handing Steve the ice pack Steve shook his head, not wanting to get Danny in trouble. It was nothing he didn't feel he deserved. “I know he did. He called me. He's sorry.” Steve shook his head, still not seeing why Danny needed to be sorry. “He was scared and he lashed out, but it was wrong. You gotta see that.” Steve was bewildered. “Danny should have listened to your side of the story.”

 

Steve struggled to speak, and lacked the energy to write, so he shook his head again. He didn't feel like he had a story to tell. Not a good one.

 

“Why were you there?” Eddie asked, wanting to understand. 

 

“ECT.” Steve spoke, his voice raw and pained, but he spoke. “It fixes me.”

 

“It could have killed you.” Steve stayed silent. “Oh Steve.” Steve couldn't stand the pity in Eddie's voice.

 

“I didn't say anything!” Steve still didn't understand. That was the problem.

 

“No. You didn't. You let it all stay in your head. Don't get it out. Why do you think you need fixing? Don't you pull that face with me, boy. I'm being serious. I want to understand. So talk to me. I'm listening.” Steve was even more confused by that. 

 

“I can't talk. Not...” Steve struggled to find the right words. “I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it.” But he was, his brain stuck on repeat, replaying every death he'd ever witnessed, everybody he'd failed to save. “ECT used to make the memories fuzzy. That's why it was first used. Except, done cleanly enough, the memories remain. Just doesn't make you messed up to remember them. Handy, for tactical reasons.”

 

“Tactical reasons.” Eddie repeated, shaking his head. He understood Danny's frustration with the man, but as much as he wanted to yell, he knew it wouldn't do any good, because Steve wouldn't understand. “So you want it so you can keep being a good soldier?”

 

“Mission isn't over yet. Hassan is still out there. Greer is still out there. I can't... I need... I...” Steve stumbled over the word, but he dismissed it, instead focusing on a larger objective. “Joe deserves justice.”

 

“And you're the only person in the world who can get that for him?”

 

“Joe's dead because of me. He died protecting me.”

 

“You're worth protecting.”

 

“No I'm not!” Steve shouted, before wincing at the volume. Eddie was silent, staring at Steve with tears in his eyes. It was painful to realized how much Steve wasn't sorry for what he said, no, he believed it whole-heartedly. Steve was sorry for yelling at Eddie. 

 

“You are, Steven.” Eddie's voice was thick with emotion, but it was determined. “I don't think you realize, but even if you had gotten your brain fried, if you had been turned into a vegetable, it wouldn't change anything. We'd still look after you.”

 

“No.” Steve looked horrified. “I couldn't ask you to do that. I wouldn't want to be that kind of burden to you. You've already been so kind to me. Too kind.” Steve looked ready to crumple under all that kindness. 

 

“You haven't asked. You don't need to ask. You're family, Steven.”

 

“You don't even know me.” Steve wasn't saying it to be argumentative. “You don't know the things I've done.”

 

“I'm willing to bet I know you better than you know yourself.” Eddie challenged. “You may know what you're capable of, but you have no idea who you are, do you?” Steve opened his mouth, but Eddie interrupted him. “I'm not talking rank, name and serial number. I'm talking about Charlie's goofy uncle. The one who cries watching kids shows. The one that tells him amazing stories and makes racing cars for him. I'm talking about that guy. Do you know him?” 

 

Steve shook his head, struggling to reconcile the two.

 

“He's the guy we care about. If you knew him, you might care about him too. You should get to know him.” Eddie sighed. “Don't be like me, Steven.”

 

“How do you mean?”

 

“I didn't know how to be anything other than a firefighter. When I retired, I had no idea who I was any more. I stopped being a father. I stopped being a husband. I thought my life was over. I was just waiting for the end. Just waiting. Doing nothing. I wasn't saving lives. I wasn't saving buildings. I thought that was it. But I was wrong, and my family helped me see that.”

 

“Steve?” Danny knocked, but Steve wasn't able to get up off the bed so Eddie answered the door. “Dad. Please don't. Mom's already given me an earful. Charlie's mad at me. Grace isn't speaking to me. I'm just here to apologize. Please.”

 

“So you brought a pineapple?”

 

“You know what they say. Actions speak louder than words. Especially with Steve. I get it if he doesn't want to see me. Will you please give him the pineapple. And tell him I'm sorry.”

 

“He's not mad at you.” Eddie spoke for Steve, albeit quietly so Steve wouldn't overhear them. Steve was lost his own world anyway.

 

“What? He should be. What I did was out of line. I just...” Danny slumped. “twelve bodies and counting, dad. He could have been one of them.”

 

“You know he called the cops, right? Even with all the guilt and the self-hate thing he's got going on, his survival instinct is stronger.”

 

“I get that now. I wasn't thinking straight at the time.”

 

“What, you were so relieved you punched him?” Eddie's sarcasm was scathing, and it made Steve whimper. He didn't want Danny and Eddie fighting, not because of him. 

 

“It's not Danny's fault.” Steve insisted, curling up even tighter, clutching his knees whilst sitting on the bed. Danny almost dropped the pineapple in shock. 

 

“You're talking. And that's the bullshit you're saying?” Danny spoke without thinking, and Steve looked like he never wanted to say another word ever again.

 

“Great apology, Daniel.” Eddie grumbled, annoyed that all his hard work with Steve had just been undone. 

 

“I'm sorry, Dad, but he's talking bullshit and he needs to know. I punched you, Steve. How is that not my fault?”

 

“I'm sure I deserved it.”

 

“You're /sure/ you deserved it? Can you even tell me why?”

 

“I made you mad.”

 

“You, my friend, drive me crazy. But I wasn't mad. I was scared. I was scared I'd lost you. Then you were there and I lashed out. I thought you were being selfish, but Charlie knows you weren't. You taught him what selfish means, do you remember? You told him it was when you do something not caring about how it affects others. But I know you care, Steve. You just don't know we care. And that... it's not your fault. You're not well. And I know you know that. That's why you went there. And I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but I'm kinda glad your brain is still intact. Can't lie about that.” By the end, Danny was just adding words to fill a loaded silence. 

 

“So you got me a pineapple?” Danny realized he was still holding the pineapple, so he finally gave it to Steve, before sitting on the bed next to him. “Thank you.”

 

“You look terrible.”

 

“Thank you?”

 

“You should take better care of yourself.”

 

“I'm fine. But it's getting a little crowded in here, so I'm just going to take a shower, if that's okay?” 

 

“I can run you a bath.” Danny offered.

 

“I don't want a bath. I want a shower. It's more efficient.” If it was Eddie who suggested it, Steve wouldn't have felt comfortable bickering. But bickering with Danny was a comfort. 

 

“You're gonna have a bath. With plenty of bubbles. Maybe even some toys.”

 

“I always wanted those plastic ships to play with in the bath when I was a kid. Closest I had was dad's replicas. And they weren't toys. I learned that the hard way.” Steve grimaced at the memory, then smiled, like he'd just told a funny anecdote. Danny had to look at his dad to make sure he'd heard the same thing he did. Eddie's expression showed that he did. 

 

Both Eddie and Danny had wanted Steve to open up, but they couldn't handle it when he did.

 

“I'm gonna run you a bath.”

 

* * *

 

The bath was absolutely absurd. There were bubbles, and plastic ducks, and toy ships, and candles and incense. Music too. Bon Jovi. Danny had gone to a lot of trouble, so Steve made sure his bandages were waterproof before he slid into the bath, surprised by how relaxing it was. Then there was a knock on the door.

 

“It's just me, Steve. You doing okay in there? You actually in there?”

 

“Yeah, I'm in here.” Danny took that as permission to enter. Sitting on the closed toilet lid as he watched over Steve, the bubbles covering Steve's modesty, but not his scars. “You didn't have to do this, but thank you.”

 

“I'm assuaging a guilty conscience. I should thank you for going along with it.”

 

“Thank me?”

 

“I mean, I know you're not comfortable. Being pampered.”

 

“Is that what this is? You pampering me?” Steve teased, eyes closed as he relaxed. He soon sat up, as if fighting against it. 

 

“So what if I am? I like doing it. Makes me feel like I'm doing something. Makes me feel better.”

 

“I'm really sorry I scared you. I didn't mean to.”

 

“I know you didn't. Steve?” Danny sounded scared again. Steve just sounded half asleep. “Have you been taking your meds? There's a bruise, on your back. From where I tackled you, I guess. Why are you bruising like that?”

 

“It's just a bruise, Danny. Don't worry. I've had worse.”

 

“I know you've had worse. That's not the point. The point is your back's all bruised and that shiner on your cheek looks really bad. Have you been taking your meds?”

 

“Y'see, this is why I didn't tell you. You know you shouldn't look that stuff up on the internet. I'm fine, Danno. I've been taking the radiation sickness meds. Don't worry. Please don't worry.” Steve was begging Danny not to worry, and Danny didn't have the energy to explain that's not how worry works. That's not how caring about someone works. At least not for him. “If it will stop you fussing, I'll have the Doc take some blood samples before I get the ECT. Okay?”

 

“You still want to do that?”

 

“I promise, Danny. It will help me more than any pill could. I have to do it. Are you mad at me?” Steve sounded so insecure, Danny didn't trust his voice, so he shook his head and started to leave. “Please don't go. I mean... talk to me? If that's okay.”

 

“Of course it is.” So Danny sat down and began to rant, from everything from the weather to his favorite food. Steve finally let himself relax, and Danny relaxed too, Steve's bruised back resting against the bathtub. 

 

“Steve, you should probably get out. Water's freezing.” Danny hovered over the bathtub, holding a towel. The bubbles had long since disappeared, and Steve realized the water was cold. He started to shiver, but he couldn't move. Danny pulled the plug and held the towel out for Steve. 

 

“Did I fall asleep?” Steve was confused, sitting cross-legged in the bathtub, watching the water go down the drain. It gave Danny a full view of his back, the bruises looking brighter than ever. Steve covered it with a towel, the edges still dragging in the water. 

 

“Yeah. I hadn't realized until...” Until the bad dreams started, Steve thrashing in the water like he was drowning. “You still look exhausted. How do you feel?”

 

“I feel exhausted.” Steve admitted, looking ready to curl up in the bathtub and use the towel as a blanket. 

 

“You need food. You're not sleeping, so you need food. Comfort food.”

 

“I'm not hungry.” Steve was still shivering. 

 

“Steve. You need to eat. And I need to make you something. What about a BLT? Lots of lettuce. Lots of tomato. Just for you.”

 

“Cucumber?” Steve teased, just to hear Danny rant.

 

“It's a BLT, Steven. Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato. No C. No cucumber. Are you for real?” Steve wasn't, at first, but his stomach was cramping at the thought of food. He wasn't sure he could stomach anything but cucumber. “Just try and eat what makes you happy. And no MREs. They are not comfort food. You don't have to eat what I make, okay? Whatever you don't eat I'm sure someone else will. I just gotta make something. Are you gonna be okay?”

 

“Yeah, I'll get up in a sec. Don't worry about me, Danny. Please.” Steve begged, but it wasn't that easy. Danny didn't want to go. He wanted to help Steve get up, get dressed, just so he knew Steve wasn't sitting, shivering in a bathtub. “Make me a sandwich, please?”

 

“That, I can do.”

 

* * *

 

Eight minutes later, Steve wandered into the kitchen, barefoot and clad in fuzzy flannel pajamas

 

“Looking good, babe.” Danny gently teased. “See, that's what I mean about comfort. You look cosy.” So of course Danny had to give him a little half-hug. Steve leaned into the hug, almost falling asleep against Danny.

 

“Food?” That was about all Steve could articulate, looking guilty, so Danny just squeezed Steve's shoulder before passing him a plate of BLT sandwiches. And a glass of freshly squeezed pineapple juice. 

 

“It's not too late to watch a movie, if you want. Charlie says he's got a video you'll like. Musicals, Steven? Really?!” Steve looked downtrodden at that. “Hey, if it makes you happy, it's all good with me. I wanna see it.”

 

Charlie had hooked the laptop up to the big screen TV, using more magic and wires than Danny would know what to do with. The whole family had gathered round, but most were watching Steve.

 

22 musicals in twelve minutes. It had Steve smiling in about two minutes flat, his face lighting up like a child's, his cheeks full of food, and smiling at the same time, absolutely enchanted.

 

“So, the one that looks like a human puppy dog, the grown ass man who /giggles/, that's who you like, Steven? You know he's you, right?” Danny asked once it was over, once Steve's plate was empty but he'd almost spilled the dregs of glass by wobbling to give a standing ovation... to a pre-recorded bit on the TV. “You goof.”

 

“Do the rap, Uncle Steve.”

 

“Nobody can do it like Lin.”

 

“Please, Uncle Steve.”

 

“Are you sure, Georgie?” That made Charlie giggle, for some reason unknown to Danny. 

 

“You're calling my son by the wrong name, you know how to rap? Will someone please tell me what's going on here?” Danny was bewildered, but he wished he hadn't sounded so stern. For a few moments, he was scared Steve wasn't going to answer. 

 

“It's from Mary Poppins Returns. I've listened to the soundtrack so many times now.” It was a painful admission for him.

 

“When will we go see the movie, Uncle Steve?” Charlie whined.

 

“I told you, when I stop crying at the soundtrack.” Steve smiled at Charlie, but then looked ashamed when he realized there were others in the room. “I mean, a lot of Disney movies have disappeared moms, but this one actually addresses it. And it just makes me think of dad... after. How things might have been different if he hadn't sent us away. We could have taken care of him. I would have.” Steve trailed off, lost in thought, in memory, recalling a hazy nightmare. He was brought out of it when Charlie kissed him on the cheek. It took Steve a few seconds to realize that it wasn't his bruised cheek.

 

“You kissed me on the wrong cheek.” Was all Steve could think to say, hand touching the bruise, pressing it, relying on the pain to bring him back to the present. He tried, but Charlie tugged on his arm, stopping him. Grace was suddenly there, giving Steve a cocktail of pineapple and orange juice, just to occupy his hand. 

 

“Uncle Steve, do you only think you get kisses when you're hurt?” She looked serious, like she was trying to figure out a puzzle. 

 

“Uncle Steve didn't even know you get kisses when you're hurt until I told him.” Charlie kissed Steve's hand, because it was there and he didn't want to let go of it. Charlie still remembered meeting Steve, Steve visiting him when he was in the hospital. Steve was all beat up, but he was confused by Charlie's kisses. Danny later told him that Steve was never hugged or kissed enough as a child. Charlie wasn't sure he could ever make up for all the hugs and kisses Steve missed out on, but he was determined to try. 

 

“Honey.” Clara's maternal instincts flared again. “A kiss is a hello in this household. Or at least a hug is. It's an 'I'm glad you're here'. And we all are. Glad. So you just better get used to it, sweetheart.” Steve looked around for any signs of pity or resentment, but all he saw was confirmation of Clara's words, and it was a little overwhelming. 

 

“Come here, you schmuck.” Danny let Steve put his glass down before pulling him into a hug, letting Steve dry his eyes on the collar of Danny's shirt. “You have gotta know we love you by now.” Danny waited until Steve composed himself and pulled back from the hug, before adding, “Even if you are a musical nerd.” Steve tensed, but Danny made sure Steve saw his smile. “So are you going to give us this rap, or not?” Steve laughed at that, but it was mostly a nervous laugh.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I asked, didn't I?”

 

So Steve launched into a rap, low and fast, the words articulate but at a speed even Danny struggled to catch. Steve was nervous until he caught Charlie's eye and he delivered the rap to him, making him giggle at a few lines. Steve's tongue tripped over a couple of words, but he managed to keep going and pick the pace back up. By the time he'd finished, ending on an elongated note, the whole Williams household exploded into applause, and Steve collapsed on the sofa, blushing and wincing.

 

“I messed it up.” Steve confided, still beating himself up over it.

 

“Steven.” Danny wasn't hearing any of it. “A day ago, you couldn't even say a word. Now, you just said like 500 in less than a minute. Give yourself a break, will you? They all loved it. They all love you.”

 

“It's not like I made it up. I was just reciting it.”

 

“Will you quit that, already? You managed to entertain a bunch of kids, adults, ma and pa. That's pretty impressive. So thank you, okay?” Danny tried to bite his tongue, but there was a question, gnawing at him. “How come I didn't know you like musicals.”

 

“It's not cool. I didn't want you to think... to think any less of me.” Steve admitted, clutching a pillow for comfort. “Our entire friendship is built around us mocking each other I didn't... this...” Steve winced, unable to express what he felt, and Danny was knocked speechless, unable to respond. He understood. He feared Steve had been bullied for it before. “I'm sorry.”

 

“No, I'm sorry. Yeah, we tease, but I'd never... I wouldn't want to be mean about what you like. Besides, it's a good lesson. Never judge a book by it's cover. I don't always like your cover, Steve. It's the story within, I like. I don't ever want you to feel like you have to hide that story from me, okay.”

 

“Okay.” Steve nodded. “But your dad's right. Sometimes, I don't even know what that story is. And I don't want to read further into it. What if I don't like what I read, Danny?”

 

“Well, it's not too late to change the ending. And you won't have to read or write it alone, not if you don't want to. I'm here for you. I know your back story makes that hard for you to believe, but it's true.” Steve could see Danny was sincere, and he let himself smile.

 

“Can we stop talking in code, now? I'm tired and it's making me dizzy.”

 

“You okay?” Steve was having a little trouble focusing, but despite that, he could see Danny's eyes were full of concern.

 

“I'm good. Just tired.” Steve smiled back, feeling cosy in his fuzzy pajamas, surrounded by Charlie and Grace and Danny, and the extended Williams family. 

 

“Danno.” Charlie interrupted, as Steve struggled to keep his eyes open. “Can we go see Mary Poppins Returns today? The whole family? It doesn't matter if Uncle Steve cries, because I think everybody will be crying. It's okay to cry.”

 

“It's a good idea, spud, but it's already late, and Santa won't come tonight if we're not all tucked up asleep. Maybe after Christmas, okay?”

 

“Okay. Are we going to watch a movie before bed?” Steve shuddered. “Uncle Steve, what's wrong?”

 

“Nothing. It's just... if I can't even handle cartoon underwater scenes... how can I...” Steve sighed. “What is wrong with me?”

 

“So many, many things, pal.” Danny replied, squeezing Steve's hand. “But this isn't one of them.”

 

“So no Bedknobs and Broomsticks.” Charlie looked so serious and thoughtful. He was speaking a language Danny didn't understand, but it was part of Steve's vernacular, so he'd have to learn. 

 

“Not today, buddy. If that's okay?” Steve was asking Charlie permission not to watch something that would drag up painfully memories and thoughts. 

 

“It's okay, Uncle Steve. Are you okay if we watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?” Charlie knew his thinking had paid off when Steve burst into a smile. 

 

“As long as Danny doesn't start calling me Caracatus Potts.”

 

“That would make Dad Truly Scrumptious.” Grace joined in the teasing, loading it up on the screen. Danny had no clue if he should be flattered or annoyed. “I remember the tales you used to tell me and Charlie about the Marquis. You made that car magical, Uncle Steve. Thank you for sharing it with us.”

 

They settled down to watch the movie, Danny, Steve, Grace and Charlie all squeezed onto one couch. A few of the younger children had to be carried to bed, drifting off as the movie went on. A few of the adults called it an early night, needing to be well rested for the chaos that would be Christmas morning.

 

Steve just about stayed awake for the first rendition of “Hushabye Mountain,” but he was fast asleep for the reprise, clutching a sleeping Grace and Charlie. Danny watched until the ending, understanding why Steve enjoyed fairy tales, stories where the best of humanity wins, and families always found each other

 

Danny was shocked at first, but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Steve was finally opening up and letting him in. It was the best Christmas present Danny could have ever hoped for.

 


	6. Christmas Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a very busy Christmas Day at the Williams' household.

Steve woke up slowly, Charlie snuggled into his side. Danny was snoring softly on his other side. Steve had no idea what time it was, but he knew he was safe. He also knew it was time to get up, according to his full bladder, so he disentangled himself from the Charlie and Danny, and made a start on the day.

 

It was Christmas Day, but everything was so quiet. He washed in peace, looked at himself in the mirror and decided to skip shaving. The bruise on his cheek was tender to the touch, but the scar on his forehead was healing up well. Steve didn't recognize the man in the mirror, and the smile caught him by surprise. It was soon crushed by guilt.

 

“You okay?” Danny asked, not giving Steve time to respond before barging in to take a leak. Steve started to leave, but Danny kept talking. “You gone mute again? You're being very quiet.” Steve had no clue how to respond. “Don't you know you're supposed to talk when someone's peeing. Busy house etiquette.” Danny flushed, walking over to the sink. The sink Steve was still standing in front of.

 

“Williams house etiquette, maybe.” Steve finally stood aside slightly, brushing his teeth whilst Danny washed his hands. “The house doesn't sound so busy to me.” Steve took a deep breath. Talking was so hard. It helped to know Danny was listening. “Feels just like my nightmares, where I'm the last one on the island. Except I could never could imagine this house. I'm pretty sure we'd have woken up if there was a zombie apocalypse, right?”

 

“Zom-- man, your head is a scary place. You ever think maybe they wanted to give you the greatest Christmas present a guy can get? Some peace and quiet. You ever think of that?” Danny asked, before starting to brush his teeth.

 

“No.” Steve replied after spitting. “I mean, I thought about it, but I dismissed it. We fell asleep in the room where the presents are. And we didn't wake up until there was what passes as daylight in this sorry State. I don't understand what could stop a family from opening their presents on Christmas morning.”

 

“It's still morning!” Danny exclaimed. “It's not even ten yet. Everybody's scarfing down chocolate for breakfast. Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah.” Steve scoffed, but Danny could see his mind racing. “Fine. It's just...” Danny paused brushing his teeth, just so he could ask.

 

“Just?”

 

“I kind of feel like I'm in the way. That I stopped them from getting their presents. Or maybe they're avoiding me, because... I dunno.”

 

“That's crazy, you're crazy. My family is crazy. You ain't stopping them from anything. No. Let me tell you something, if you had fallen asleep in the kitchen, they would have trampled right over you to get their dose of sugar and caffeine. Presents are opened as a family, but food is a free for all. And now my teeth are cleaned, it's time for chocolate and coffee.” Danny grinned a toothy grin, which grew wider at the look of exasperation on Steve's face.

 

“Chocolate is not breakfast.”

 

“It is on Christmas day.”

 

“It's an even worse idea on Christmas day.”

 

“Fine. I will make chocolate pancakes, with chocolate sauce and chocolate chips. You can whip up some MREs and we'll let the family decide what is the better Christmas breakfast.”

 

“You're on, Danno.”

 

* * *

 

Everybody chose to have Steve's apple and cinnamon oatmeal. It was festive and filling, and Steve explained it would help them avoid the dreaded sugar crash. Energy at its most efficient.

 

“Nobody cares about that, babe. They just care that it tastes good.” Danny assured him, grabbing his own bowl in the crowded kitchen.

 

“Does it?” Steve asked, waiting for Danny's approval, just as Danny took a huge mouthful. Steve grinned as Danny gave him the thumbs up. “I'm sorry no-one chose your pancakes.” His tone was sincere, even though he was smiling, a little shyly. “You can make me some pancakes, if you like.”

 

“You don't like chocolate.”

 

“I'll like whatever you make me.”

 

“That's not how liking something works, Steven. I know what you're doing. You're trying to make me feel useful, but I'm not you. Doesn't bother me that nobody wanted my pancakes. I'm perfectly happy being useless. That's what vacation is for.”

 

“You don't have to make me pancakes if you don't want to.”

 

“Oh no, I'm making you pancakes. I just want to make sure they're pancakes you'll enjoy. Not pancakes you pretend to enjoy like some pre-programmed robot who only has manners when they're specifically designed to annoy me.”

 

“Oh, is that what I am? I thought I was an animal.” Steve smirked, clearly enjoying the Danny rant.

 

“You are! You eat like an animal. I'm telling you, you better damn well chew the pancakes I'm gonna make you. The not chocolate pancakes, which... wait. We still have some apology pineapple left.”

 

“Apology pineapple?”

 

“Some banana, cinnamon. I can make up a batch of pineapple pancakes.”

 

“I love pineapple pancakes.”

 

“Of course you do. You're designed to drive me crazy.”

 

“You don't have to make me pineapple pancakes, if you don't want to, Danno.”

 

“Sit down. I'm making you the damn pancakes.” It wasn't until Charlie giggled that Danny realized his entire family was watching him and Steve bicker. “What?” Whilst most of the family shrugged, Clara spoke up.

 

“Breakfast and entertainment. I'm really glad you boys came home for Christmas. We'd have missed you, otherwise.”

 

“Aw, ma.” Danny and Steve blushed at that, busying themselves with cooking and cleaning the dishes.

 

* * *

 

After breakfast, Clara brought out the video camera.

 

“Time to open presents. You're not camera shy, are you, Steven dear?”

 

“Errr....” Steve looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

 

“Really?” Danny was amused. He was used to this. But there was a reason Steve was banned from talking to reporters, he just didn't realize that awkwardness would translate to family too. “The more goofy you look, the more we're gonna film you. Come on. You have a pile of presents with your name on them.”

 

There was literally a pile of presents for Steve. Steve stood, staring at them, speechless.

 

“Are you okay, Uncle Steve? Do you want me to help you open them?” Charlie offered, tugging on Steve's hand in an effort to get him moving.

 

“These can't all be for me. I don't deserve them.” Steve stared in confusion. It didn't make sense. Not to him. Clara passed the camera over to Danny, so she could talk to Steve. Before she could, Eddie spoke up.

 

“You can't think like that, son.” Eddie understood where Steve's mind was at. “We're all very grateful you're here. You deserve to be here. Steve. You're family.”

 

“Family.” The Williams family echoed, so many voices, Steve crumpled under the sound.

 

“Family.” Steve repeated, the word so thick with emotion. It meant pain and distance, lies and love. It made him miss his sister even more, and want to mourn the loss of his aunt in a way he never really did before. He wasn't ready to mourn his dad. He didn't want to think about his mom, or if she knew Joe was dead.

 

“Oh, sweetheart.” Clara's heart broke as she watched Steve. She pulled him into a hug. She'd heard all about Steve's mother from Danny. How a mother could do that to her own son, she'd never know. She wanted to be the mother Steve never had, the mother he deserved. If he'd let her. “Open my present first.” She let him go so she could thrust the present into his arms instead.

 

“Still want to help me open my presents, buddy?” Steve asked Charlie, who looked up at his Grandma. Clara just smiled at both of them, taking the camera back off Danny so she could record the moment.

 

Charlie tore off the paper, revealing a hand-knitted navy wool sweater. On the back, it said “Steve, 50” in a lighter blue, the color of Danny's eyes.

 

“You made me this?” Steve asked the camera, touched by such thoughtfulness. “That's what this is! I feel like Harry Potter with the Weasleys.” Steve stripped so he could wear the sweater, it was too warm to wear anything underneath.

 

“You probably have a lightning scar too. What is it with you and clothes, huh? Why can't you keep them on?”

 

“Your ma made me this. I'm never taking it off ever again.”

 

“You would end up giving yourself heatstroke, you moron.”

 

“Boys!” Clara broke up the bickering. “The sweater stays here, so Steve can wear it whenever he comes home.”

 

“Home.” Grace recognized that look on her Uncle's face.

 

“This isn't actually Harry Potter, Uncle Steve. Isn't it illegal to track people?” Steve frowned, annoyed that Grace was reading his thoughts, and vetoing his ingenious ideas.

 

“It shouldn't be against the law to want to know where your family is. And it is possible. I could make Clara that clock. I could make everyone a tracker. One they'd want to wear.”

 

“It's creepy, Uncle Steve.”

 

“It's a way to make sure nobody gets lost.”

 

“You didn't ever put a tracker on me, did you? Uncle Steve?”

 

“Just once. A few years ago. In your running shoes. I'm sorry.” Steve pulled the jumper over his head, hiding from Grace's wrath. Grace huffed. The wool made it harder for her to read Steve's face, but she was still able to track his thoughts.

 

“Was it when Dad was giving you a hard time for ditching me in the street for two seconds because you saw the Marquis being stolen?” Steve peaked his head out of the sweater, so Grace could see him nod. He looked guilty and ashamed. “Hey, Nahele's fine, Uncle Steve. He texted me Merry Christmas already. Told me to take good care of you. You haven't disappointed him, so don't you dare think that, okay?”

 

“I am sorry you know what I'm thinking, but you get why I did it, right?”

 

“I was never mad at you. And you know what dad's like when he gets scared. I know you are just as protective over me as dad is. And you're protective over Nahele too. He knows how much you care. So, stop beating yourself up over it. I forgive you. But you ever pull a stunt like that again, without permission, we will be having stern words.”

 

“I know. If I ever make your Grandma that clock, I will make sure to get everybody's permission to track them first. And they will need to send a pre-emptive text any time anybody visits the hospital. I don't want your Grandma worrying just because Danno's talking to a victim in there.”

 

“That's very thoughtful, Steven.” Steve beamed at that, before realizing the camera was still on him. All eyes were still on him.

 

“Is everybody gonna watch me open my presents, or are they gonna start opening their own? I want to see everybody open their presents.”

 

After that, everybody started tearing into their presents. Squeals of excitements and tears of appreciation were exchanged. Sweaters and socks. Gadgets and gifts. Lots of chocolate and booze. Steve would have been happy just watching the Williams family be happy, but they kept urging him to open his presents.

 

Steve had never had so many gifts in his entire lifetime. There were enough drawings to fill a book. Climbing gear, which Danny thought looked more like a torture device, or a some kinky bondage gear. Dog treats and toys, which Danny couldn't help but comment on, but Steve started it with “So that's what you mean by a stuffy.”

 

Danny got such gifts like surfer's wax (for his hair), a Velcro suit so Steve could throw fuzzy tennis balls at him, and a book on tech for dummies. He also got a couple of Hawaiian and novelty t-shirts.

 

“You guys think I'm a joke, don't you?” Even Steve struggled to keep a straight face at Danny's remark.

 

Grace's presents made Danny and Steve's eyes water a little, acknowledging how their little girl was growing up. Make-up and beauty products. Student cook books. One book titled “How to have fun without getting alcohol poisoning”. Grace smiled, then took a sip of her Dad's glass of wine, before pulling a face and handing it to her aunt.

 

Charlie got the most presents, from the entire family. Toys and clothes that he'd grow out of in months, books. Lots of dinosaurs and race cars. Charlie was thrilled by all the presents he got, and Steve was reluctant to give him the wooden car he made at the last second. So Danny gave it to Charlie, who abandoned all his other presents in favor of that simple wooden car.

 

“Can we paint it when we get back home, Uncle Steve? In your garage?” Charlie's simple question rendered Steve speechless, so Steve pulled Charlie into a hug, feeling so lucky just to have Charlie in his life.

 

“I think your Uncle Steve would like that very much.”

 

“If you're done squeezing the life out of my little brother, there's a present from you from Eric.” Danny did not like the smirk on Grace's face.

 

“Where is your cousin, anyway? I thought Eric would be here.”

 

“He's back on the island. A stag Christmas with Jerry and Adam. You were invited, but I told him you were coming home with us.”

 

“I was invited? I don't remember an invitation.”

 

“I think dad deleted it.” Grace said sweetly. “Which is almost as creepy as tracking someone. Maybe don't let Charlie open what Eric got you.”

 

“Maybe you don't open what Eric got you, Steve.” Danny urged him, grabbing the present off him. They wrestled a little over the present, the wrapping tearing, pages tearing slightly.

 

“I'm sorry!” Steve apologized immediately, and Danny let go of the gift.

 

“Hey, it's okay.” Danny comforted Steve. Even though he was embarrassed about what the present was, he didn't want Steve feeling guilty. “It's just the photoshoot. You know the Mr. November thing. Eric's got the whole thing digitalized anyway. Just another way to humiliate me.”

 

“What's a little humiliation between friends, huh? I still remember the day you guys made me a salt cake for my birthday. It was gross, and that's when I realized you were my friends, not just my team.” Steve beamed at that memory. “Besides, that photoshoot is awesome and deserves to be preserved and paraded.”

 

“I am going to kill him. Not you. Him.”

 

“No you're not. He's an invaluable member of the team. Especially when I buy him that new M-Vac. It's a DNA recovery system. Will allow him to check out more crime scenes. Help us get the physical evidence we need.”

 

“/You're/ gonna buy him that? You don't even buy drinks!”

 

“I always forget my wallet. But the governor won't pay for essential equipment, so I've got to chip in.”

 

“I thought you'd use it to buy bullets.”

 

“You'd be surprised at how reasonable our weapons budget is, but science is completely underfunded. If I buy a new M-Vac we might be able to reverse engineer it, advance it. Not just blood, but chemical analysis on scene. How cool would that be?”

 

“Cool? It's crazy how you are both such jocks and such dorks.”

 

“I'm not a jock!” Steve looked offended at that, even though Danny meant the dork part as an insult, and thought the jock was self-explanatory.

 

“Ignore Daddy.” Charlie tugged on Steve's arm and dragged him to where a brightly wrapped box was. “He says mean stuff because he likes you. Open my present!”

 

“I've saved the best until last, buddy.” Steve's attention was focused on Charlie. He opened the present without tearing any of the paper, revealing a box with a hole for a window, so a teddy bear could stare out of it.

 

The bear had camo print fur and black beady eyes. Steve unboxed him, to find a birth certificate. His name was Seal. He had the same birthday as Steve (although he was born that year), and the certificate stated that he belonged to Steven J. McGarrett.

 

“I never had a bear before, and you made him just for me?” Steve was a little teary eyed when he pulled Charlie into yet another hug, squeezing tight enough to make Charlie giggle.

 

“He's all yours, Uncle Steve. He'll protect you from the monsters at night. Give him a hug. He smells of berries.” Charlie wriggled free from Steve's hug, giving him a kiss on the cheek as he passed Steve the bear. Steve sniffed the fur, wiping his eyes.

 

“He does smell of berries.” Steve gave a watery laugh, his smile a sight for sore eyes.

 

“Hug him, Uncle Steve!” So Steve squeezed tightly, surprised when the pressure triggered a recording. “I love you, Uncle Steve.” Charlie's voice, inside the bear. A reminder, whenever Steve wanted it.

 

“Charlie... this is. How could I ever repay you?” Charlie frowned at that.

 

“That's not how it works, Uncle Steve.”

 

“Just keep doing what you do and you're fine.” Danny assured him. “You spoil Charlie rotten. He wanted to get you something to show how much you mean to him.”

 

Steve had never felt so loved before.

 

“Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

Once all the presents had been opened, the TV came on.

 

 _It's a Wonderful Life_ ran in the background as people read their books, played their portable videogames, or, (in the case of Steve and the Children) actually invented a new boardgame.

 

The boardgame seemed to be more of a distraction than a past time for Steve, who had his back to the TV, but couldn't ignore it.

 

“There are two colorized version.” It seemed a non-sequiter at first. “A wonderful life should be in color, shouldn't it? Or is it like _The Wizard of Oz_ , where reality is black and white, and the fantasy is in color. Any color but black. Which is the absence of color, really. Or the absence of light.”

 

Steve's ramble earned him quite a few concerned looks, but only Danny called him out on it.

 

“You okay there, babe?”

 

“I'm fine.” Steve insisted, and maybe he thought it was true, but his body language betrayed him. He was clearly haunted by something. Eddie could see that, and he wanted to help.

 

“Steven. Kitchen. Now.” It was a command, and Steven did as he was told. He smiled as he left Charlie in charge of the cardboard kingdom, but his eyes went dead as he followed Eddie to the kitchen. He remained silent, tense. Eddie took a few moments to figure out his approach. “You're not okay, Steve. You don't have to pretend you are.”

 

Steve seemed to contemplate that, but he eventually dismissed the idea. “Yes I do, Sir. Permission to go back and play?” Steve looked just like a little boy asking that. A scared little boy.

 

“I'm not going to let you go back into a room with a movie that's clearly bringing up bad memories for you.”

 

“I don't want to remember.” Steve admitted, even thought it was hard for him to realize there was something to remember. “It's just a movie. It's a good movie. I like the movie. I don't want to ruin it for everyone. I can't lose anybody else.”

 

“Hey. You're not going to lose anybody.” Eddie assured him, but Steve was already lost to his own head. “But you have to talk to me. You have to talk about this kind of stuff so it doesn't catch you off-guard.”

 

“Okay.” Steve let out a shaky breathe, realizing Eddie was talking sense, but he was taught not to talk about this kind of stuff. Or let it get to him. “Miller Brown. He watched it, before going on a suicide mission. It saved my team, but we lost him. And I let myself forget. I had to forget, because we still had a job to do. A mission we survived, because of his sacrifice.”

 

“Steven. It's not your fault.”

 

“I know that.” Steve replied, just a little too quickly to be convincing.

 

“Do you believe it?”

 

“Maybe.” Steve struggled to keep a stony face. “Still sucks.”

 

“Yeah, it sucks.” Eddie felt his eyes sting. “Come here.” Eddie offered Steve a hug, which Steve fell into, finally crumbling, crying for Miller Brown, for Joe White, for Freddie Hart, for all those he had lost, for all those who had given their life so he could live.

 

“I'm sorry.” Steve blubbered, but Eddie just soothed him, letting his own tears fall silently, thinking of his own losses.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Eddie held him tight, wishing he could make Steve believe him.

 

“He wanted to see it in color. Miller never got to see it in color.” Steve sniffled, already pulling back, already trying to compose himself.

 

“But you will. Someday. If you want. When you're ready.”

 

“Yeah. Someday.”

 

* * *

 

Steve would have stayed in the kitchen until it was time to serve Christmas dinner, but he was dragged back into the living room by a Charlie. Steve was incapable of resisting Charlie.

 

“Uncle Steve. Come on! There's something I want to show you!” Charlie tugged on Steve's arm, and Steve had to follow. He was not prepared for the surprise Charlie had to show him.

 

Mary was up on the big screen, a Skype call projected there. Enlarged like that, it was easy to see that she'd been crying. It was an emotional day, and Steve didn't know how to respond.

 

“Mary! Are you okay? It's really good to see you.”

 

“Of course I'm not okay, you big dummy. I've been listening to the MP3 you sent me.” Mary started crying again. Steve looked utterly lost. Mary kept talking as she cried, at a pitch Steven could not understand.

 

“Steve, that was really sweet of you!” Danny sounded surprised. Nobody else was. Steve was only surprised Danny could understand Mary. “I have sisters, man. I've been fluent in cry talking since I was 6.”

 

“I didn't screw up, did I?” He really didn't understand. “I just... I know what Aunt Deb means. To me. So I just... it made me miss her less, to hear her voice, so I thought. I'm sorry. If it's painful to hear. I know it is. Maybe I just wanted to share the pain. Because we never got to share it enough, as kids. I wish I could have looked after you both.”

 

There was more sobbing and squealing from Mary, and Steve had to turn to Danny for a translation.

 

“She thinks you're the best brother ever. Well, you're her only brother ever. And she's sorry Aunt Deb couldn't save your from your dad? You think Steve needed saving from your dad?” Danny addressed that last part directly to Mary.

 

“Dad was a dick.” Mary sobered at that. “I mean, even before mom was in the car accident. Or not accident, I guess. They never had any time for us, and when they did it was just to try and make us their carbon copy. And Stevie tried so hard to be. Tried anything to make them proud. It was too much effort for me. I hope he's not trying too hard. With you guys.”

 

“He is. And he doesn't need to try. I think my parents are already to adopt him. Seriously. I think they're looking into the paperwork.”

 

“Nonsense.” Eddie dismissed. “We don't need paperwork to make Steve part of the family. And that makes you family. You're coming, next Christmas. Right?”

 

“I wouldn't miss it for the world.” Mary started to cry again. Happy tears. “Thank you for inviting me and Joanie. And thank you for taking such good care of my brother.” Clara leaned down in front of the webcam, blocking out the boys.

 

“You're welcome, dear. How is little Joanie?”

 

“It's Christmas Day. She's being spoilt rotten. But her very favorite present is the wooden doll's... castle, her Uncle Steve built for her. She loves it. The dragon and the knight and the princess are one happy family.”

 

“That sounds like our boardgame.” Charlie piped up. “We had a witch so we could make the dragon talk, so nobody got hurt.”

 

“That's why you're the king, Charlie.”

 

“And it's my royal declarance that we will now watch Mary Poppins. Do you want to watch with us, Aunt Mary?”

 

“ _Mary Poppins_ is my favorite movie! Your Uncle used to tell me that I was named after Mary Poppins, because she babysat him when he was a baby. And that one day, Mary Poppins would come back and look after us both.”

 

“But she has come back, Aunt Mary. Aren't you going to watch _Mary Poppins Returns_?”

 

“There's a sequel?” It was the first Mary had heard of it. “How?”

 

“Magic.” Steve beamed. “And recasting. But a perfect cast. And Dick Van Dyke is back, tripping the light fantastic!”

 

“Oh wow.” Mary giggled, mostly at the sight of her brother so happy. “Then I have to see that. But we should watch the first one again.”

 

Grace helped Charlie unhook the laptop from the TV, and hook the DVD player back in. Everybody gathered to watch the movie. With subtitles, because the Williams have a habit of talking. Steve wasn't talking. He spent the whole movie typing with Mary, the words flooding out of him.

 

He'd smile, blush, type, but he never laughed. Steve was still trained not to make a sound, even as everybody else sang along, or made witty comments, or asked questions. At least he was talking with Mary. Kind of. Even after the movie ended, he was still typing with Mary. Even as the extras played.

 

“Do we have to watch the extras? They destroy the magic.” Somebody complained. Charlie nudged Steve, peeking his head around the laptop.

 

“What do you think, Auntie Mary?”

 

“I think knowledge is magic.” Mary grinned, a sly look in her eyes. “Hey Steve, do you still remember the chords to Jolly Holiday?”

 

“Aw, Jeez, Mary. It's been forever. And I don't have a guitar.” Steve tried to back out, but that wasn't an option, not in the Williams household. Clara took especial interest.

 

“We have a couple of guitars kicking around in the shed.”

 

“Absolutely.” Bridget jumped up at that idea. “It'll take me two minutes to tune my old one.” She disappeared before Steve could tell her not to bother. Eddie watched as Steve was bullied into performing.

 

“You don't have to do the song if you don't want to, son.” Eddie knew Steve needed to hear that. He needed permission not to do the things he didn't want to. He also needed courage and support, to try the things he did want to do.

 

“I haven't done it in forever. What if I mess up?” Steve asked, like it would be end of the world.

 

“Doesn't matter, as long as you have fun.” Eddie told him sincerely, and Mary scoffed.

 

“Fun. You do remember what that is, right bro?”

 

“We have different definitions of fun, Mare.” Steve muttered, still squirming slightly. “Maybe we could pick another song.”

 

“What's wrong with Jolly Holiday?”

 

“... He's hitting on her.” Steve blushed, the words barely audible.

 

“What, no!” Mary couldn't believe it when she finally figured out what Steve said. She was still struggling with the new information when Bridget came back with her guitar, now tuned. She thrust it into Steve's hands, and he automatically started strumming. “Come on, bro. We're doing this. Can't be worse than the Folgers commercial.”

 

Steve laughed at that, which seemed to dissipate some of the nervous energy he was feeling. He started to play with more purpose, rediscovering the tune.

 

When he did start to sing, it was with a terrible cockney accent. Truly appalling. It sounded more Australian than cockney. The grin on his face more than made up for the accent, especially when Mary interjected. They made a good double act.

 

Joanie could be heard off camera, laughing as her mom struggled to keep a straight face. Mary lost it when Steve started to do the voices for the animals. Charlie was giggling too. Steve had to play a lengthy guitar solo before Mary recovered enough to sing her part, exchanging Bert's name for Steve's.

 

There was a rap at the end, consisting of women's names. Steve blushed hard when he recited it. His smile was sincere when he declared Mary the best woman of all, and he flashed a loaded look at his sister, far too many emotions to decipher. Regret, compassion, affection, disbelief. Mary broke the awkward silence.

 

“He was hitting on her!” Mary was shocked. “Bert is a dog!” Charlie had no idea what was happening.

 

“Do the other rap, Uncle Steve!”

 

“There's another rap?” Mary was intrigued. Danny could tell Charlie and Mary and Joanie would get along like a house on fire next Christmas.

 

“Steve's not a performing monkey.”

 

“No, I'm a performing SEAL. Arf arf!”

 

“Goof.”

 

Steve's impressive performance was saved by the bell, as Clara declared Christmas dinner ready. Everybody said their goodbyes to Mary, then rushed to get their food.

 

* * *

 

There was enough food to feed a small nation, or a large family with eyes bigger than their stomachs. Everybody helped themselves, but Steve still insisted on serving drinks. Danny had to physically drag Steve onto a chair.

 

“You're our guest.”

 

Charlie giggled. “Uncle Steve is Belle from Beauty and the Beast.”

 

“Who are you?” Danny had to ask him.

 

“I'm Chip. And you're still a Beast, Daddy.”

 

“Shut up.” Danny had no clue what language Charlie was speaking, and it made him more than a little frustrated. “Eat your dinner.”

 

“Daniel!” Clara scolded him. “Play nice, or you'll be stuck as a beast forever.”

 

“It's a tale as old as time, son. Do you really not know?” Eddie smirked, adding to Danny's frustration. It wasn't funny for Danny though. He hated not understanding. He sulked and ate away his anger.

 

“You okay, Danny?” Of course Steve noticed. “You wanna talk about it?”

 

“You?” Danny scoffed. “You don't talk.”

 

“I listen.” But Danny couldn't accept the offer.

 

“Let's just eat.”

 

So they ate.

 

You know it's a good meal when nobody's talking because everybody is eating. Steve was taking his time, watching everybody enjoy the meal, the mountain of food slowly being consumed. The plates were piled high, but the vegetables were sadly neglected.

 

Eddie was the first one to go for the Brussels sprouts, and Steve just about burst with pride.

 

“What?” Eddie ducked his head from the surprised looks from him family. “Turns out rabbit food ain't so bad.”

 

“No it's not. This is all delicious.” Steve piled his plate with veg.

 

“Animal.” Steve stuck his tongue out at Danny, showing him the partly chewed food that was in his mouth.

 

“Children!” Steve grinned at that, boyishly. Danny sulked.

 

Danny was still sulking throughout most of dinner, so the least Steve could do was put a paper hat on him. Still didn't get a smile from him so Steve broke out the big guns.

 

“Do you know Rudolf the Reindeer never went to school. He was elf-taught.” Steve's face was full of childish anticipation. Nobody else laughed. “What's Saint Nick's dog called? Santa Paws!” Charlie chuckled a little at that one, which made Steve grin wider. “What happened to the thief who stole an Advent Calendar? He got twenty five days!” Steve finished that off with actual jazz hands, and his enthusiasm got a few pity laughs.

 

“This is stupid!” Danny protested.

 

“Danny!” He was scolded by most of the family, except for Steve, who just apologized. Steve fell quiet after that.

 

“Uncle Steve. Knock knock.” Charlie was sitting right next to Steve, so he tugged on Steve's arm, urging him to answer. “Knock knock, Uncle Steve.” Steve gave him a helpless look, like he couldn't answer, even if he wanted to. Grace answered for him.

 

“Who's there, mini D?” She used Steve's nickname for Charlie.

 

“Mary.” Charlie looked expectantly at Steve, who still couldn't answer. Sophie asked instead.

 

“Mary Who?”

 

“Mary Christmas.” The whole family laughed, all but Steve and Danny. Steve smiled, and tried to look polite. Eddie knew Steve was freaking out. There was a vein on his arm that was practically pulsating.

 

“Bridget, why don't you pour Steve a drink?” Steve shook his head.

 

“Sorry.” At least Steve was speaking. “Meds. I want to take care of Danny's liver. I...” Steve froze, thinking about Joe. He was close to tears. “I'm sorry.”

 

Charlie was the first to hug Steve, but pretty much everybody took it in turns to give him a hug or a pat on the back. Steve cried throughout all of it. He didn't talk. He just cried. He stopped crying when he realized Danny was hugging him. Steve's voice was so raw. “I'm sorry for whatever I did to put you in a bad mood.”

 

“You idiot. You know it's not your fault. Right?” Steve did not look convinced.

 

“We don't have to talk about it if you don't want. Let's just eat.” So they finished, eating in an awkward silence. When the conversation did pick up, there was still so much left unsaid.

 

The food was delicious though.

 

* * *

 

 _Home Alone_ played on the TV. Steve, Danny and Charlie were curled up on the couch, Steve snuggled into Danny. He needed the touch, to reassure himself Danny wasn't mad at him. Steve was still wearing the sweater Clara had knitted him, but he had the sleeves rolled up. Danny had one hand on Steve's arm, making sure he wasn't going to run again. Danny's other hand was in Steve's hair, stroking softly, mindful on the scar on his forehead.

 

“This movie is completely ridiculous.” Steve was sleepy, leaning into Danny, but his eyes were wide, enraptured. “I love it. How pissed do you think Junior will be if I use some of those booby traps in our house?”

 

“No more pissed than you calling him just so you can talk to your dog.”

 

“I had to tell dog!Eddie about the gifts you all got for him. Wait, is Junior mad at me?”

 

“He's just glad you're talking.” Danny squeezed Steve's arm to reassure him. “He knows you love the dog more than you love him, more than you love the kids. He's pretending he's fine with that. He loves Eddie too.”

 

Steve blushed. “I love your kids the most. Then I love Eddie, because he is the best dog ever. And then I love our Five-0 Ohana.”

 

“I thought you didn't like dogs.” Steve flinched at that. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah. No. I just... I've always liked dogs.” Steve trailed off, his face turning white, his eyes glazed over.

 

“Steve?” Danny nudged him. “What's going on? Talk to me.” Steve glanced at Charlie, then shook his head. “Okay, that's it.” Danny stood up, and Steve started to snuggle Charlie instead, which made Danny feel a little less special, but that was not the focus here. Danny started to drag Steve up, or he tried to. “Come on. Up. We can talk somewhere more private. You /clearly/ need to talk.”

 

“But the movie!” Steve whined, sounding exactly like the child he was. Charlie stirred from his slumber to push Steve up.

 

“We can watch all the movies back in Hawaii, Uncle Steve. You should talk to Danno.”

 

“You sure?” Danny was getting annoyed at Steve's insecurity.

 

“How come you'll do it when Charlie asks you to, but not when I tell you to?”

 

“Because Charlie's the boss man, and you're my partner.” Steve logic.

 

“He's a kid. He's not the boss. He's my kid. That makes me the boss.”

 

“He's a kid. That's why he's the boss. Dog Eddie too. Can't trust adults. Children and animals are a lot more honest. And smarter than we give them credit for, too.”

 

Steve and Danny began to bicker, but they were shushed by those watching the movie. Danny couldn't remember what they were arguing about. He had a feeling Steve remembered, but didn't want to talk about it.

 

“Danno.” Charlie reminded him. “You were gonna make Uncle Steve talk about not liking dogs, even though I know he likes them.”

 

“Right.”

 

“That's why he's the boss.”

 

Danny dragged Steve out, holding onto his sleeve.

 

“You need a drink?” Danny offered.

 

“Yes, but I'm not going to have one.” Steve's self-control was impressive, and it just annoyed Danny more. He got himself a beer. And Steve a juice box.

 

“Talk.”

 

“It's in the past, Danny. What good is talking about it gonna do?”

 

“It's not the past if you're thinking about it now.”

 

“So, I'll just bury it again and it'll fine.”

 

“Sure, like the money from Kamekona that you buried.”

 

“It just wasn't buried deep enough. That's all.”

 

“Steve. Just tell me the damn memory.” Danny snapped, but the look of fear on Steve's face made him regret it. “What are you so scared of?”

 

“That you'll hate me.” Danny shook his head. “That I'll hate me.” Danny didn't buy that either. He already knew Steve hated himself. “That I'll hate my dad.”

 

“Did he do something to earn your hate?”

 

“He saved my life. He killed my dog. He was right to shoot her.” Steve zigzagged with his tone, but his face was stock still. It was pretty scary to see.

 

“What the hell?” Danny yelled, which made Steve flinch. “I'm sorry. Just... start from the beginning. When was this?”

 

“I was nine. Maybe ten? I found a stray dog. I think she'd been attacked by a boar. Her leg was broken pretty badly, but it hadn't broken the skin. She was only a small dog, but she felt so heavy in my arms. I held her close and took her home. She was whimpering the whole time.

 

“I put a splint on her leg. Cleaned her up. Her fur was matted with blood, but there was only one wound I could see and that was already healing. I didn't want to leave her alone, so I spent the night in the garage with her, and that's when dad found out. And he shot her. While I was sleeping next to her.”

 

“Jesus.” Was all Danny could say, as Steve wiped away silent tears.

 

“No. Dad was right. He saved my life. She was a stray. We had no idea if she was carrying any diseases. And the amount of pain she was in, she could have snapped at me. She was small, but so was I. She could have killed me. I know she wouldn't mean to. Dad was just protecting me.”

 

“Steve.”

 

“No. I just put a splint on her leg, but it was still broken. I knew I couldn't reset it. It was stupid to bring her home without a plan. I was prolonging her suffering. Dad just ended it. He was right.”

 

“No, Steven. He wasn't. You were sleeping right next to her! To wake up to that... Jesus!” Danny couldn't even imagine it. Even growing up in New Jersey, he didn't get to see the damage a bullet could do up close, not until he had a few months on the job.

 

“I didn't know what was going on at first. My ears were ringing. And my face was all wet. With her blood. Spatter. I was so mad at him. I yelled at him. And he pointed the gun at me. Told me that a lot of criminals shoot their victims because they won't shut up. So I looked down the barrel of that gun, and it stopped my tears. I understood why he did it. He was just trying to protect me.”

 

“Steve...” Danny was speechless. He had no idea what to do with that information. It explained a lot about Steve. “You were nine?”

 

“Ten. Probably.” Steve insisted, like that made it any better.

 

“What about your sister?”

 

“I don't know if she knew what happened, but that was around the time she started asking for a puppy. And dad would get angrier and angrier, every time she asked. So she just asked more. Mary was like that. She pushed him too much. I was always scared she'd push him too far.”

 

“You shouldn't have to have grown up scared of that.”

 

“I had to. It prepared me. Without that, I wouldn't be... me.”

 

“I like you.” Steve smiled hopefully at that, but Danny quickly amended, “When you're not being stupid. It's stupid to defend your dad like that.”

 

“My dad only wanted what was best for us. What he thought was the best for us.”

 

“Can you at least admit that what he did was wrong? Even if he meant well.”

 

“No.” Steve couldn't admit that. He couldn't admit that he deserved better. Steve deserved a childhood, and it certainly didn't sound like he ever got one.

 

“Okay.” Danny was prepared to drop it, for now.

 

“Okay?” Steve looked so nervous. A part of Danny wanted to stay and fight, just to prove to Steve that he was worth fighting for. But he had another plan.

 

“It's okay, Steven. I really appreciate you telling me that memory. Any repressed memories you have, you can tell me about those too. Okay?”

 

“Okay.” Steve finally let out a breath, only to start panicking as Danny started to walk away. “Wait, where are you going?”

 

“Will you relax, will you? I just realized there's a present I forgot. Now, there's a movie you've never seen, a sleepy boy who wants to snuggle, and a teddy bear that smells of berries. They're waiting for you. Will you be okay?”

 

“I'm fine.” Danny sighed at that answer.

 

“So you keep saying. Go enjoy the movie.”

 

“You're coming back, though?”

 

“I'm not leaving the house. I just want to grab your present. I'd let you come with me, but it might spoil the surprise.”

 

“I don't need any more presents, Danny. I just... I just need to know you're gonna come back.” Steve winced. “I'm sorry. For being so...”

 

“Hey. After what you've been through, it's only natural for you to be so clingy. I don't mind. In fact, I'm pretty grateful it. But I know Charlie is just as clingy with you, and you haven't seen _Home Alone_ before, because you were grown in a lab. So just go and enjoy the movie. I promise I will be back, with presents, that you will graciously accept.”

 

“Thank you, Danny.”

 

“Don't mention it.”

 

* * *

 

Just before the movie ended, Danny dumped three pillow cases filled with all the cuddly toys he could find in the house, all onto the couch where Steve and Charlie were snuggling.

 

“Danno?”

 

“Hey Champ. Seal was such a smart present for your Uncle Steve. I couldn't believe it was his first teddy bear. And I didn't want Seal to get lonely, so I gathered up all the teddies in the house. They're Steve's. If he wants them.” But they weren't Danny's to give away. Danny's sisters quickly found their teddies, but realized Steve needed them more than they did.

 

“Patches.” Came a mournful sigh, as the patchwork teddy bear was flat, the stuffing having fallen out a long time ago. Quite a few of the teddies were damaged, clearly well-loved.

 

“Sorry sis.” Danny didn't sound too sorry. “But this is the one I was looking for.” Danny started looking through the mountain of cuddly toys, different sizes, different animals. Eventually, he pulled out the one he was looking for. “Butch. He's a chocolate lab, who smells of chocolate since Matt covered him in chocolate icecream one time after I told him off.”

 

“What's this guy's name?” Steve asked, immediately drawn to a giraffe that was about twelve inches tall.

 

“Mr. Fuzzles.” Danny blushed. He clearly named it, but Steve saw why.

 

“Because of the fuzzy patches.” Steve nuzzled the giraffe. “Is it okay if I name him Gilly? From _Mary Poppins Returns_.” Steve ducked his head at that, as if anticipating rejection.

 

“Hey. He's yours now. You can name him whatever you want.”

 

“It's not original. I'm never original.”

 

“You're you. So what if you're made up of 10% musical references I don't understand, 20% animal, 20% SEAL, 50% Five-0, 10% goofy Uncle, 15% testosterone filled marshmallow --”

 

“That's 125% already. I can't be more than 100%.”

 

“You find a way, mathlete. Because you're you. And you are very unique. Crazy unique. And you're still full of surprises. The more I learn about you, the more I'm amazed. You've earned Mr. Fuzzles. Sorry. Gilly. You've earned all of this, Steve. Thank you for finally coming home with me for the holidays.”

 

“Hear hear.” The rest of the family cheered in agreement, which stirred Charlie from his slumber.

 

“Uncle Steve? Will you read me a bed time story?”

 

“Of course I will, mini-D.” Charlie was too tired to move, so Steve scooped him up in his arms and carried him to his bedroom, almost tripping over some of the cuddly toys. Danny watched Steve tuck him in, and read him a story. They both thought Charlie was fast asleep, until Steve started to leave.

 

“Please stay. You can sleep with me, Uncle Steve.”

 

“I wouldn't want to disturb you.”

 

“But if you get another bad dream, I want to be there.”

 

“I could hurt you, Charlie. And that's not an option. Besides, I have Seal now. And Butch. And Gilly. They'll protect me from any bad dreams. You don't have to worry about me.”

 

“You shouldn't sleep alone, Uncle Steve.”

 

“It's safer that way.” Steve believed that. He believed a lot of messed up things, because nobody told him otherwise. Danny could see Charlie was getting more and more worked up, more and more worried. Danny understood.

 

“Go to sleep, Charlie. You can play with Steve in the morning, but not if you don't go to sleep right now.” Charlie huffed, but he settled down, and fell asleep within seconds.

 

“Thanks, Danny.”

 

“You should have stayed with him. Or were you planning on not sleeping tonight?”

 

“I'm trying to protect him.”

 

“He worries about you. Even if you have a bad dream, he wants to be there for you.”

 

“It's too dangerous. I'm a trained killer. That's where I go when I sleep. If I hurt him in any way, I couldn't bear it. Okay?”

 

“You don't think you're hurting him now. Pushing him away like this?”

 

“I'm not. I don't... like you said. I'll play with him in the morning. When I'm awake and conscious and in control again, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

It was getting late, and everybody was sleepy, but Steve was still playing with the cuddly toys. He'd arranged them in some kind of order and now he was looking for something. He was disappointed when he opened a biscuit tin to find actual biscuits.

 

“What are you looking for, dear?” Clara eventually had to ask.

 

“Needle and thread. Cotton balls. Any spare fabric, buttons. A lot of these toys are repairable. Even if they're no longer needed here, they could find new homes, find new people who need them. No toy should be discarded, or forgotten about. Not when there's so many people who go without.”

 

“That is very true. I'll go and see what I can find.” Clara went to get her supplies.

 

“You really do like fixing broken toys, don't you?” Danny recalled. He didn't repeat the “That's why I love you, babe.” Not like he did before, even though it was more true now than ever.

 

“Yeah. I've been meaning to set something up like this on the island. I know there are teddy bear hospitals elsewhere. I just never had the time to set one up.”

 

“You can't help everybody always, Steve. You already do so much.”

 

“Never feels like it's enough.”

 

Clara came back with a load of her supplies. Steve had already organized his patients, so he was able to start surgery straight away. He was really good with a needle and thread, and he had a skill for restoration.

 

“Patches.” Danny's sister squealed when she saw what he was operating on.

 

“Careful. I haven't done sewing them up. How much stuffing do you want? How much are you going to be hugging them?” Steve asked, completely innocently whilst she blushed. She didn't know how to respond. She saw how happy Steve was to get his first teddy bear. She couldn't say she was too old for Patches.

 

“I'm not sure I'm going to be hugging Patches. But I want it to... I want it to be somewhere I can look at it, and remember who I was, who I wanted to be back when Patches was my best friend. I'd almost forgotten.” Steve finished stuffing and sewing Patches, before passing the teddy over. “Thank you.” Despite what she said, she hugged Patches tightly, and the stitches held. Steve looked happy and content. “I erm... I think I'm gonna call it a night. I'm beat.” So she left, still clutching Patches. “Thanks again.”

 

“It is getting late.” Someone commented, but Steve didn't notice. He still had so much work to do.

 

* * *

 

 

He was still working, the living room abandoned apart from him, Danny and the cuddly toys, when Grace brought him a hot chocolate loaded with cream and chocolate sprinkles. And, after Steve tasted it, he realized there was some Baileys in there too.

 

“It's medicinal.” Grace insisted. “It will help you sleep.”

 

“I'm fine, Grace. But thank you.” Steve sipped the alcohol infused hot chocolate and then kept on sewing.

 

“I've got another present for you, Uncle Steve. I was just checking my emails before bed and they confirmed it.”

 

“Another present? Really, Grace, you don't have to.”

 

“I wanted to, Uncle Steve. And it's not just for you. It's for Dad and Charlie too, if you want. 3 nights at the Kahala hotel and resort. And the voucher doesn't expire, so there's no rush. Just... whenever you feel like getting back in the water, it might be easier to swim around dolphins.”

 

“Oh wow. Grace.” Steve was touched. “I don't know how I can... you've all been so kind and...” Steve pulled Grace into a hug, sneakily wiping tears on the shoulder of her fuzzy pajamas “I don't deserve this.”

 

“Yeah, you do, Uncle Steve.” Grace hugged him tighter. “You're the only one who thinks that you don't. Everybody else thinks you deserve the best. You should be kinder to yourself, Uncle Steve.” She kissed him on the cheek. “Goodnight.”

 

“Night, sweetheart.” Steve reluctantly let her go, wiping away tears. Danny was openly crying, tears of pride and joy.

 

“I had no idea she was doing that.” He wasn't surprised. Grace learned a lot from Steve. “I think that was the perfect ending to a perfect day. Steve, will you be calling it a night soon? We stay up any longer and it'll be morning.”

 

“You don't have to stay.”

 

“That wasn't the question.” Danny realized Steve was being evasive, but he was exhausted and emotional. “You plan on getting any sleep tonight?”

 

“I never take anything for granted, not even sleep.” Steve realized that wasn't what Danny wanted to hear. “I'll try to get some sleep once all my patients are stable.”

 

“They're stuffed toys, Steve. You can't get more stable than that. And they'll still be here in the morning.”

 

“I know. I just want to get this done. Don't let me keep you.”

 

“I won't.” But Danny didn't want to leave. His bed was calling to him though, and he was too tired to resist. So, with great effort, he stood to leave.

 

“Danny.” Steve called out, making Danny pause. “Thank you.”

 

“You're welcome. Merry Christmas, Steve.”

 

“Merry Christmas, Danny.”

 


	7. Day After Christmas, Back to Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas with the Williams family was the best day of Steve McGarrett's life, but he has to go back to work. He's a man on a mission.

The Williams' household was awoken by a screaming match between Danny and Steve. Nobody was surprised to hear Danny shouting, he was a Williams. But Steve was yelling too. Not loudly enough to make out, and he tried to contain himself, but he was pissed about something. And they clearly weren't going to resolve it by themselves.

 

“You say I need therapy, but you're a god damn hypocrite, Danny!”

 

“And you're an idiot. A moron with a death wish. Stupid, stupid soldier.” Eddie had to intervene when he found them both by the front door. Clara watched, helpless, hating hearing them fight.

 

“Hey, what's with all the name-calling?”

 

“He started it!” Danny protested, but Steve was silent. Eddie took a look at Steve properly for the first time that morning. Steve was dressed in all black, bags under his eyes but a stoic look on his face. Eddie looked for a sign of the boy he had grown to know, and saw none.

 

“Tell that to your mother.” Eddie ordered Danny. “Steve, you're with me. Put your bag down, son.” Danny did as he was told, letting Clara take him to the kitchen. Steve didn't move, still clutching his overly-full duffle bag. “Is that why Danny's yelling? Because you're leaving?”

 

“I left a note.” Steve did feel a little guilty about that, but he knew he had his reasons. He felt even guiltier as Charlie wandered downstairs, clutching the wooden car Steve had made him for Christmas. Charlie was rubbing sleepy eyes, teary eyed because of the shouting. “Hey bud. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up.”

 

“Are you going?” Charlie sniffled, wiping his eyes. “You said you'd play with me today.” Steve fell to his knees, dropping the bag and opening his arms. Charlie didn't hesitate to hug him. Steve choked back a sob, as it felt a little like forgiveness. It took a lot of strength for Steve to eventually let Charlie go.

 

“I'm really sorry Charlie. But I have to go back to work. You know the bad men who put me in the hospital? You saw what I was like when you came to visit me. The man who put me there, he's still out there. And the woman who gave that man my name, the name of my friends... she's still out there, Charlie.” Steve tried to explain, and even if the words came out wrong, the pain in them was evident. Steve took a few steadying breaths before continuing.

 

“I am so grateful to you and your family. Yesterday was... it was, hands down, the best day of my life. But I just can't stay whilst the bad guys are free. Do you understand?” Charlie nodded and hugged Steve. Eddie let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. He knew Danny didn't want to hear Steve's speech, but he was glad Charlie listened.

 

“Just be careful, Uncle Steve.” Charlie begged, and Eddie watched Steve's reaction. Steve was still surprised to realize that people cared about him. Poor child.

 

“I promise, I am going to fight with all my strength so I can come back home and watch Mary Poppins Returns with you. I just have to do this first.” Steve picked up the duffle bag. Eddie knew he had to more to say, he couldn't let Steve go just yet.

 

“Charlie, why don't you go get some breakfast. Your dad is in the kitchen.” Charlie looked back at Steve, before running into the kitchen. Steve was itching to leave, but he didn't feel like he had been dismissed.

 

“Look, I've left a note. I've said my piece --”

 

“Yes you have.” Eddie interrupted. “Very eloquently. But I still don't know why you were yelling at my son.”

 

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't... I can't afford to be angry right now. I shouldn't have shouted. Can I go now?”

 

“No!” Steve crumpled at that, but soon tightened the grip on his duffle bag. He straightened his back, and his eyes glazed over. Steve was mentally disappearing again, and Eddie couldn't have that. “I'm not mad because you were yelling. I'm worried, because you were upset enough to yell.”

 

“It's not a big deal. I don't know why I was so upset. I can't afford to be angry.”

 

“You keep saying that! Do you hear yourself?” Eddie shouted, trying to make his point. “You are not a machine, Steven, and you can't keep treating yourself like you are.”

 

“No, Sir. I'm a SEAL. And we have a mission to do. I have to focus on that. Put all feelings aside. Justice. Not revenge. Do you understand?”

 

“Do you understand?” Eddie asked right back. “You were shouting because you were hurt. And you're shutting that out again. I get that you have a mission to do, but shouldn't you deal with issues as they arise? Because if you bury them again, you have no idea when they'll become uncovered. The timing could get you killed. Or do you still not care about that?”

 

“I don't want to die, Sir. I may not understand why I'm still alive, but I am grateful that I am.”

 

“You can feel grateful and feel guilty at the same time, Steve.” Eddie sighed. “I know you do. You're a mess, son.”

 

“I won't be.” Steve sounded so sure, desperately clinging to the lies he told himself. “I'm flying back to Hawaii, gonna have a round of ECT, sleep it off, and then the team and I are going to avenge Joe. I'm not going alone. Junior, Catherine, Gutches... it's a navy thing. I know Danny thinks I'm probably going alone, but I have a plan. I have a team. I've thought this through. It says all this in the note.”

 

“My son had no right to call you names.” Eddie blurted out. It took Steve a moment to process the words, and even longer to come up with a reply.

 

“It's Danny. You know he needs to vent. It doesn't matter.”

 

“Steve --”

 

“It's fine. And I shouldn't have called him a hypocrite.”

 

“Depends if he was being a hypocrite. You haven't told me what he did yet.”

 

“I've told you. It's stupid.” Steve tried to dismiss it. Eddie knew better. He gave Steve the most paternal look he could muster, and Steve caved. “I just found out he and Melissa had broken up. Months ago. And I get it if he just didn't want to tell me. Maybe he thinks I'm a lousy friend. I dunno. But I'd get it, if he just didn't want to talk about it. But when Lynn broke up with me, he made me feel like the biggest freak for enjoying being single. He made me feel like I was broken because I didn't want another girlfriend straight away.”

 

“Oh Steve. You are not broken. Don't you ever think that. I'm sorry if he ever made you feel like that.” Steve started to defend Danny, but Eddie continued. “It doesn't matter who you date, or if you date at all. You're not a freak, Steven.” By the look on Steve's face, it was clear nobody had ever told him that before, and he desperately needed to hear it. Steve needed permission to learn who he was, and not be who everybody expected him to be. “And even if you were, you're still family.” Eddie concluded with a smile.

 

“I'm still sorry I shouted.”

 

“Hey, didn't I just say you're family? That's what we do. There's more though, isn't there?” Steve didn't think there was, until he was made to think about it a little more deeply.

 

“I guess. It's just... Danny was pushing me to get back out onto the meat market, and then Greer was back, and we had history. Unfinished history. I wanted it to be more, at the time, but work pulled us in separate ways. Her coming back, Lynn moving on, Danny teasing me all the time... I actually thought... but I was an idiot.” Eddie's mind was reeling, but he waited patiently for Steve to explain.

 

“I just don't understand how she could... she worked along side us, and she gave away our names and got us killed. And she's still out there. I have to stop her.”

 

“She betrayed you.” Eddie realized. “You need to process that.”

 

“I'll process a lot better when she's back behind bars. When she can tell me why she did what she did.”

 

“You're looking for answers, but she might not give you any.”

 

“This isn't about me. This is about justice for Joe. It's about making sure she can't hurt anybody else. She knows things. It's not just the personal betrayal. I've come to expect that by now. But I don't get how she could betray our country. And for what? For money? I don't buy that. I don't. There has to be more to it than that.”

 

“Steven.”

 

“Was she always like that? What if I had joined her in the CIA? What if we had stayed together? Would she still have become corrupt?”

 

“You can't do that, Steven. You can't think like that.”

 

“How can I not?” Steve wasn't the stoic soldier now. He was scared, desperate and hurting. “Everybody I know either ends up dirty or dead. That's what it feels like.”

 

“You're not. You're a good man, Steve.”

 

“My team is dead because of a shot that I took. I know I can't fix that, but I have to find those that are responsible and hold them accountable. I have to, Eddie. Please, please let me go.”

 

“Not until I know you're going to take care of yourself.” Eddie insisted. “I'm not talking just about survival. Please, son. Promise me you'll see a therapist when you get back.”

 

“I'm not good with talking.”

 

“They won't make you talk when you can't. But you have to learn to, Steve. Before it gets too bad that you have to resort to electricity or sensory deprivation. Danny told us about that.”

 

“That's not... but it worked. I'm fine.”

 

“You're functional, barely. That's not the same thing as being fine. Look me in the eye and tell me you deserve to be happy. Hell, tell me you even deserve to be alive.” Eddie challenged, and was met with silence. “You need to change the way you think, son. Your brain is a bully. Don't let my son be a bully to you, too.”

 

“He's not, Sir. Danny's the best thing ever to happen to me.” Of course, that's when Danny walked in, fully dressed and wearing a large backpack. “What....?”

 

“I'm going with you.” Danny said, as calmly as he could.

 

“Danny, no.” Steve objected. “That's crazy. I have a plan. I have a team. There's no role for you.”

 

“You're going to need me to drive you, aren't you? After you electrocute your brain.”

 

“Daniel!” It was Eddie who objected to that.

 

“What?! It's insane! You can't tell me that's not insane. And I will keep saying it's insane, but I'm going to be there for it, okay?”

 

“You both need to work on your communication.” Eddie sighed.

 

“He's fine, Mr. Williams.” Steve assured him. “I know it's not what he says. It's what he does. And it means a lot that he wants to come with me, but he should stay here, be with his family.”

 

“Will you listen to me, you moron?!”

 

“Daniel!” Eddie scolded him again. “Just because Steve has abandonment issues, it doesn't mean you get to use him as a verbal punching bag because you know he won't ditch you it for. Maybe if you try talking, not shouting, he might hear you better. And lose the insults. At least when he's not so well.”

 

“I'm fine!” Eddie and Danny shared a look at that, but Steve honestly believed it. “I'm fine. You can keep yelling. It's cool. It's cool that you care.”

 

“Okay, Pa. You might have a point.” Danny conceded. “I'll watch my tone when Steve stops acting crazy.”

 

“It's not your tone, son, it's your words. Steven isn't crazy, he's... troubled?”

 

“Troubled? Troubled?! I don't even know what that... whoa, where do you think you're going, Mister?” Danny stopped Steve with a hand on his chest, making sure to block the door with his body.

 

“I was hoping to escape whilst you two were bickering. I've got a plane to fly.”

 

“You're FLYING!?” Danny yelled, at a volume loud enough to echo through the entire house, and then some. “Of course you are, because you're a control freak. Have you even slept?”

 

“I could fly a Diamond Twin Star in my sleep. Danny, it's a small plane. You really don't have to come.”

 

“Don't you dare! You dick! If you planned on my claustrophobia to keep me from going with you, you don't know me. That's not what I'm going to be thinking about whilst I'm up there. You almost died, or have you forgotten?”

 

“Nobody's going to be shooting at me this time. Well, at least not whilst I'm in the air.”

 

“Don't.” Danny softly pleaded. “Don't do that. Don't act like you're okay with people shooting at you.”

 

“It's the job, Danny. It's your job, too.”

 

“It's the worst part of the job, but you seem to live for it. It's not normal, pal.”

 

“That's not the worst part of the job. The worst part of the job is when the bad guys get away, or when they hurt somebody else, innocent civilians. That's the worst part. So please, Danny. Just let me do my job. You stay with your family. I'll see you back at work once Greer is behind bars.”

 

“What part of 'I'm going with you' don't you understand?”

 

“I don't understand it because it doesn't make sense.” Steve glanced at Eddie, hoping for an ally, but Eddie was taking Danny's side on this one. “I'm going to be flying back on a plane you will hate, flying back to Hawaii, which you claim to hate, getting ECT, and you've made your feelings about that very clear. That's all before the mission even starts. A mission which makes no sense for you to be on. I'm not going to make you an unnecessary target.”

 

“Good. I don't want to be a target either. But I'm still going with you.” Danny was determined, and Steve knew it was a battle he couldn't win. Nor did he want to, if he thought about it. He couldn't think about what he wanted, not yet. Steve had to put the mission first.

 

“It makes no sense, but okay. If you insist.”

 

“I do. I insist.”

 

“Why?” Steve couldn't let that go. He just wanted answers. Any answers. Nothing in his life seemed to make any sense right now.

 

“Why? Because... because...” Eddie silently urged Danny to go on, but Danny chickened out at the last second. “because you are idiot with a death wish, and I just need to be with you so I know you're not dead, okay?”

 

“You don't have to worry about me, Danny.”

 

“Somebody has to, because you clearly don't.” The comment struck Steve more than a physical blow ever could.

 

“I've told you, Danny. I want to live. I want to see Grace and Charlie get older. Maybe have kids of my own. Maybe even find someone who wants to marry me and doesn't turn around and stab me in the...” Steve caught himself, expression turning stony. “but I can't focus on that. Not until the mission is over.”

 

“There's always a mission, Steve. You keep putting everybody else first so you don't have to think about yourself.”

 

“Danny, I can't. We have to go. Please... please just let me go.”

 

“You're not even going to say goodbye to Grace?” It was a low blow, and Danny regretted it the moment the words were out of his mouth. Steve looked so conflicted, so lost.

 

“Danny...” Steve was lost for words. Danny had too many, but he forced himself not to say anything. Steve used the silence to retreat back into his shell, to go back into soldier mode. “She'll understand. And if I saw her... I wouldn't want to... but I have to. Greer is still out there. She's dangerous.”

 

“Okay.” Danny eventually took pity on Steve. “Let's go, SEAL Steve.” Danny stepped aside. Steve walked out, without even saying goodbye. Danny, as always (when given the opportunity), followed.

 

Eddie watched them go, He desperately hoped that they'd get through this okay, and that they'd take the time to work through all the trauma and the torrent of emotions afterwards. They both deserved to be healthy and happy. It wouldn't take a miracle, just a lot of hard work. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was only supposed to be a quick filler between 9.10 and 9.11. It's written so it hopefully flows into the events of episode eleven, but I have faith Steve would start seeing a therapist after that. 
> 
> Thank you so much to all those who read and commented. I really appreciate it.


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